Corner of 6th and Congress. She waits for the bus like she waits for love. She knows it's coming but she's early; her faith rides on it, but it's just taking her to another destination. She just wants somebody to walk next to, somebody to share a seat with. So she settles; she gives it away hoping in time her love will be returned. But she knows it never will. She's battered and scarred; they left holes in her fragile heart. Some days she feels like she's all fragments held together by children's glue, an amalgamation of cheap love and insecurity, hopes and dreams and wishes on stars. She's waiting for the day she'll be healed, waiting for the next boy to come fix her.
The bus comes, but no number of quarters will take her to her happily ever after. So she drops in her change and slides into her usual seat, looks out the same window and watches the familiar buildings rush by. The city never changes.
But she's different this time. At least she feels different. Is she really different?
The all-too-common tornado of thoughts inside her head rages, but she silences it. Looks down at the cheap, tarnished heart bracelet her last last boyfriend-savior gave her and pulls it away from her wrist until it breaks. Until she breaks. Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply, she touches the inside of her wrist, feels her heartbeat pulsing, pumping blood to and from her hands, fingers. Slowly she opens her eyes again and sees the same world; she sits in her usual seat, looks out the same window and watches the familiar buildings rush by. The city never changes.
But she's free.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
creative bit: clarity
She used to know where she was going.
She used to know who she was.
She used to know what she was going to do with her life.
Now she sat in a coffee shop, a fragmentary, fragile girl. So many paths lay before her, each taking her to a totally different place, a new adventure she'd never expected. So many paths lay behind her, some simply ended, some blocked for one reason or another. She felt at once both unnecessary and as if too much was demanded of her. At any moment, she felt, she might burst into a million different colored pieces that would shoot across the globe and she would finally feel satisfied. But instead she sat, her body in one piece, her mind in a million.
Catharsis has a funny way of coming right at the exact moment we need it most. She took a sip of her coffee, looked out the window at the busy street wet with the recent rain, and knew.
She used to know who she was.
She used to know what she was going to do with her life.
Now she sat in a coffee shop, a fragmentary, fragile girl. So many paths lay before her, each taking her to a totally different place, a new adventure she'd never expected. So many paths lay behind her, some simply ended, some blocked for one reason or another. She felt at once both unnecessary and as if too much was demanded of her. At any moment, she felt, she might burst into a million different colored pieces that would shoot across the globe and she would finally feel satisfied. But instead she sat, her body in one piece, her mind in a million.
Catharsis has a funny way of coming right at the exact moment we need it most. She took a sip of her coffee, looked out the window at the busy street wet with the recent rain, and knew.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
why so serious/art/generalities
I.
I think I take myself too seriously. Which is an odd thing for me to say, as I often wonder if I even know how to be serious about anything. But I've realized as of late that I am far too serious when it comes to my art. And by my art, I mean my writing. I have ridiculous rules, ridiculous standards, and ridiculous expectations. I'll lay them out for you, as a sort of humble confession in attempts to abandon them.
For one thing, I absolutely will not even open this blog/a document/blank page if I am not feeling inspired and creative. As a writer, let me just say that inspiration is incredibly hard to come by. There are days (many, far too many days) when no amount of hot coffee in my favorite mug, no song that inspires me and makes me feel like I'm a vital and yet insignificant piece of humanity, no ounce of artistic frustration aimed at the state the world is in can make me feel inspired and creative enough to spin out some chunk of my heart and soul into some well-chosen (yet often inadequate) words. Waiting for inspiration is like sitting in your room by yourself and waiting for life to start for you - it doesn't just happen...usually. You have to get up and make inspiration for yourself, by demanding it from a world that is so lacking in it.
Much more despicable is my criticism of writing that is not my own. I tend to criticize my own writing as if the entire world were waiting on the edge of their seats, waiting for me to pop out another work of genius (HAH). So I feel justified (it's disgusting, really) in criticizing other work equally. I've yet to decide whether this next part is a vice or a virtue, but I don't criticize work by other writers in terms of their concepts, ideals, the big picture. Rather, I judge them on far sillier things - like misspelling, not-quite-stellar grammar, and style that's lacking in, well, style. This may not sound as grave as it really is to you, because you're not inside my head. But I'm quite the legalist when it comes to technical writing things. And I'm not even really a technical person. Where I decided I have the right to judge based on silly technical mistakes I'll never know. I'm trying to be better though... Also, as a side note, I love writing sentence fragments and using semi-colons in inappropriate places. I am my own enemy.
On to my expectations for my own writing, which correspond to my inspiration problem. It seems that whenever I sit down to write, I expect that whatever I write will be some groundbreaking, stereotype-shattering, staggeringly beautiful, deep, soul-touching piece. That someone's life will be changed, or something like that. And when I say I "expect" this, I mean that I require it. If it isn't either soulish or mind-blowing, I will not write it. Which is just dumb, because I've never in my life written anything mind-blowing and while my stuff might be soulish to me because it is a piece of my soul, there is no guarantee that anyone else will find it soulish (Except my bestfriendsistertwin. She is an avid reader/understander.)
What I have to remind myself over and over again is the fact that everyone else creates for the same reason that I create - because we all have this crazy view of the world. We see things that others don't see, or, we see the same things but from a different point of view. And subsequently, we feel the need to express that view to the rest of the universe, using whatever we can get our selfish, grubby hands on. For me, it's words. For others it's film, paint, garbage from dumpsters, a guitar, the human body...I could go on forever, because anything can be art. It just has to get into the right hands.
II.
If I had to pick a few words to describe my life right about now it would go something like this:
Certainty. Curiosity. Self-discovery. Christmas. Warmth. Wariness. Waiting. And, um...silly. Silly is always on the list. It is one of the few constants in my life. Certainty: I am moving to a new city in roughly 6 months. That used to sound terrifying, but now I just feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. I mean, I'm still nervous about it and I still can't see the specifics, but I already feel like I'm there. Curiosity: I have no idea what I'm doing with my future life. Some days I feel like I'm way behind everyone else because of that. But tonight I just feel curious as to what God wants me to do. It's amusing to me (right now, at least) how much He makes me wait, because He knows I'm basically the most impatient person on this planet. Self-discovery: I'm learning a lot of things about myself right now. I'm almost 20; that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right? Christmas: Self-explanatory, but I'll expound at least. This is absolutely, hands-down, my favorite season of the year. I don't even know where to begin. It would take an entire post to explain it all, which I'll probably write after finals are over. But in a nutshell, it is warm and expectant and full of good things that restore my faith in humanity. And because my reindeer headband and the amount of times I've seen Elf in my life are not frowned upon. Warmth: See Christmas... Wariness: I am bone-tired. I've felt tired before, but this is a different kind of tired. I think I'm just past the peak of it though; it's beginning to dissipate into expectancy and contentment. Waiting: The future is always so imminent and yet so distant. I love it and I hate it. I love it because I can see it, but I still have time to enjoy where I'm at right now. I hate it because I can see it but I can't have it yet, I have to sit still until I'm ready for it (or it's ready for me?). I am the world's worst at sitting still.
Tonight is one of those nights that I have a sort of sing-songy, lalala, whimsical outlook which I am always wishing I could transpose into words. But I guess that's part of the beauty of it: it's so my own that I can't even come up with the words to make someone else understand it. Although I'm sure you've got your own version of the singsongy/lalala/whimsical outlook that's all your very own too.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
darkness/beautiful things
I have this habit of getting settled into life. I always find myself getting used to the way things currently are, as if they will never change. I forget that life is a crazy journey that never stops moving, taking me to a new place every time I look up from my feet. I think about the way my life looks now in comparison to the way it looked last semester and find myself wondering why it had to get so confusing and complex. Last year was easy and lighthearted; I made some amazing friends and had a lot of really good times with them. This year everything is different; most of my relationships are either changing or they are gone and I'm often making big decisions, rather than memories. Last year I was confident in the way I was headed, knowing mostly what to expect and who I was going to be around. This year I've no idea where I'll be, what I'll be doing, or who I'll be with in two months. What's worse than that is that I have no idea where I want to be, what I want to be doing, or who I want to be with in two months. I change my mind daily and then get so frustrated with my own fickleness that I grow numb to the situation entirely, floating through my daily activities, thinking about irrelevant things or not thinking at all. There are times when I feel as if I'm in this dark place and all I can see are the forms of things around me; all I'm doing is stumbling around, but I have no idea where I'm going, I'm just moving to move.
And then I am reminded that God is here as well. He does not dwell only in the happy and light moments. He is not found only when all is good and easy. He is very much present in this dark place, making me more aware of His light daily. I may not know where I am going, but He does, and that's all that matters. It isn't my life anyway. These are the times in which true Joy grows. Not that easy, surface joy (although that has a place too), but the deep kind of Joy that knows no circumstance. It is not grounded in my emotions, but rather in the knowledge that I am loved by the Creator of the universe and that He is making me into something beautiful. The transformation can be painful at times, but it is worth every second of the waiting, every second of the confusion.
This is the prismatic life. There are happy, light colors, and there are dark, rich colors merited only by patience and placing trust in Christ while I wait out the storm.
"God is waiting to be found everywhere, in the darkest corners of our lives, the dead ends and bad neighborhoods we wake up in, and the simplest, lightest, most singular and luminous moments. He's hiding, like a child, in quite obvious and visible places, because He wants to be found. The miracle is that He dwells in both. I knew He dwelt in the latter, the bright and beautiful, because I had been finding Him there for years, in the small moments of beauty and hope that poke through the darkness of our days. But lately I have been finding Him not just under the darkness, but in it... I have found a strange beauty in the darkness, one I've never seen, a slower, subtler beauty..." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
And then I am reminded that God is here as well. He does not dwell only in the happy and light moments. He is not found only when all is good and easy. He is very much present in this dark place, making me more aware of His light daily. I may not know where I am going, but He does, and that's all that matters. It isn't my life anyway. These are the times in which true Joy grows. Not that easy, surface joy (although that has a place too), but the deep kind of Joy that knows no circumstance. It is not grounded in my emotions, but rather in the knowledge that I am loved by the Creator of the universe and that He is making me into something beautiful. The transformation can be painful at times, but it is worth every second of the waiting, every second of the confusion.
This is the prismatic life. There are happy, light colors, and there are dark, rich colors merited only by patience and placing trust in Christ while I wait out the storm.
"God is waiting to be found everywhere, in the darkest corners of our lives, the dead ends and bad neighborhoods we wake up in, and the simplest, lightest, most singular and luminous moments. He's hiding, like a child, in quite obvious and visible places, because He wants to be found. The miracle is that He dwells in both. I knew He dwelt in the latter, the bright and beautiful, because I had been finding Him there for years, in the small moments of beauty and hope that poke through the darkness of our days. But lately I have been finding Him not just under the darkness, but in it... I have found a strange beauty in the darkness, one I've never seen, a slower, subtler beauty..." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
whirling
This is one of those times where I don't know where to begin. I'm afraid that if I start writing, a thousand crazy thoughts will force their way out of my brain and into my post, whizzing and crashing about, with no sense of direction and certainly no understanding. It goes without saying that I have a lot on my mind right now. I mean, I usually have a lot on my mind; but today, there is a sense of fast-paced recklessness in my thoughts. They are all whirling past me at an unprecedented speed, going nowhere and finding themselves back at the beginning over and over again. If their paths were traced over the map of my brain, there would be thousands of squiggly lines, circles, dead ends.
I am sick of my thoughts. Sick of my situations. Sick of myself. Sick of this lack of clarity I'm finding myself in. I feel like everything in my life is muddy and I don't know which way I'm supposed to start walking. All I know is that God wants me in a little bit of solitude. He wants me to sit quietly and not take any steps yet. He wants me to wait on Him and let Him be the center of things, the center of my life. He will show me the path of life, but only when I'm not focused on what I am supposed to be doing, but rather how I am glorifying Him in what I am doing. So I'm house-sitting for some people next week and I'm taking that as my solitude time. It'll just be me and the dog at night. No one to hang out with or talk to, no one to distract myself with. I'll be forced to face myself in the silence, and to wait on God. And He will make Himself known to me. It could not come at a better time. Praying for clarity.
I am sick of my thoughts. Sick of my situations. Sick of myself. Sick of this lack of clarity I'm finding myself in. I feel like everything in my life is muddy and I don't know which way I'm supposed to start walking. All I know is that God wants me in a little bit of solitude. He wants me to sit quietly and not take any steps yet. He wants me to wait on Him and let Him be the center of things, the center of my life. He will show me the path of life, but only when I'm not focused on what I am supposed to be doing, but rather how I am glorifying Him in what I am doing. So I'm house-sitting for some people next week and I'm taking that as my solitude time. It'll just be me and the dog at night. No one to hang out with or talk to, no one to distract myself with. I'll be forced to face myself in the silence, and to wait on God. And He will make Himself known to me. It could not come at a better time. Praying for clarity.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
running
So I have this problem. I can't let go. Of anything. I mean it takes over my life. I can't let go of relationships, I can't let go of people, even when it's high time to move on, I can't even leave a text and not respond to it. I feel like it's like my duty or something to reply to everything, to do whatever I can to fix a relationship, to make things go back to the way they were. Don't get me wrong though, I love change. I hate letting go. I feel like there is always something that I can do to magically fix everything; and when it doesn't work out, I feel like I didn't do enough, that I missed something. It's this thing I have with control. I have to have it. I go crazy if I feel like I'm not in control.
And God's been trying to show me for the entire last year of my life that I am not in control, that my life is not my own. He's used everything from my family and friends to my school and social life to show me that He is the only One who stays the same, the only One I can depend on for everything. I have this obsession with people; I love them. Too much. I tend to put all my stock in my relationships, I attempt to find myself in them. I mean that I know who I am, but I find all my happiness in my relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships, although those are a part of it too. And when one doesn't work out, I run to the next place, the next person, and do it all over again. I'm always running because it never works out. Something happens, people change, some things just get awkward. You can't hold onto people forever; sometimes, you have to let them go. And I'm incapable of doing that. So God takes them away from me. Not in a horribly painful way or any of that, just a slow slipping away. If He were to allow me to find what I'm looking for in one of my relationships, or anything on this earth really, I would be gone. I am far too easily pleased with passing things. With each relationship that fades away, God has been trying to block all my paths except the one that leads to Him. And I still cannot let go. I still find myself running to the next person I can hold onto.
So where does that leave me? I know what is going on; I see the evidence of it in my life. I see what God is trying to do, how He is working. The only thing left for me to do is to give up. To surrender. To run to Him and find my identity and happiness in Him. But I don't know how. It sounds like the simplest thing; no, it is the simplest thing. What could be better than just letting go, giving all your problems to Someone else, and getting infinite Joy and peace in return? There is no downside. But I've built up all these walls, made myself believe that the only way I can find happiness is through people that are only in my life for a season. And I can't do any of it, I've been asking God to just take it from me. I know He is taking it from me bit by bit, but I have to let Him. And I haven't been doing a very good job of that. It's that control thing I mentioned earlier. And fear. I'm scared that if I let go, I won't have anything to hold on to, that the ground will disappear beneath my feet. In my heart I know that if I let go, I will fall. But it will be falling into the never-ending space of Christ's Love. What could be more beautiful? In the free fall, I will be able to fully find myself in Him.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
And God's been trying to show me for the entire last year of my life that I am not in control, that my life is not my own. He's used everything from my family and friends to my school and social life to show me that He is the only One who stays the same, the only One I can depend on for everything. I have this obsession with people; I love them. Too much. I tend to put all my stock in my relationships, I attempt to find myself in them. I mean that I know who I am, but I find all my happiness in my relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships, although those are a part of it too. And when one doesn't work out, I run to the next place, the next person, and do it all over again. I'm always running because it never works out. Something happens, people change, some things just get awkward. You can't hold onto people forever; sometimes, you have to let them go. And I'm incapable of doing that. So God takes them away from me. Not in a horribly painful way or any of that, just a slow slipping away. If He were to allow me to find what I'm looking for in one of my relationships, or anything on this earth really, I would be gone. I am far too easily pleased with passing things. With each relationship that fades away, God has been trying to block all my paths except the one that leads to Him. And I still cannot let go. I still find myself running to the next person I can hold onto.
So where does that leave me? I know what is going on; I see the evidence of it in my life. I see what God is trying to do, how He is working. The only thing left for me to do is to give up. To surrender. To run to Him and find my identity and happiness in Him. But I don't know how. It sounds like the simplest thing; no, it is the simplest thing. What could be better than just letting go, giving all your problems to Someone else, and getting infinite Joy and peace in return? There is no downside. But I've built up all these walls, made myself believe that the only way I can find happiness is through people that are only in my life for a season. And I can't do any of it, I've been asking God to just take it from me. I know He is taking it from me bit by bit, but I have to let Him. And I haven't been doing a very good job of that. It's that control thing I mentioned earlier. And fear. I'm scared that if I let go, I won't have anything to hold on to, that the ground will disappear beneath my feet. In my heart I know that if I let go, I will fall. But it will be falling into the never-ending space of Christ's Love. What could be more beautiful? In the free fall, I will be able to fully find myself in Him.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Thursday, June 30, 2011
people are silly
I stumbled upon something earlier in my usual way, by rambling about my philosophies on life and people. I do this often, with no real sense of direction or foundation; later, I'll take the time to actually think about what I said and realize that it was maybe not so crazy after all, though probably a little rough on the delivery. Tonight it was a remark about how beautiful it would be if everyone everywhere got up and pointed out each other's faults. Not in an accusatory way, but more in an acknowledging sort of way. When asked why I felt that way, I responded that we would no longer waste all of our energy pretending to have it all together. Of course I wasn't actually thinking about what that really meant when I said it. But seriously, wouldn't that rock? I know I am far too concerned with appearances, and the upkeep on those things is ridiculous. But if someone were to come around and utterly destroy that thing I put on display for everyone else, I would be freed up to do so much more with my life. If I didn't have to put so much time into creating and maintaining this image that people see, I could spend more time learning how to love people as Christ loved them. That sounds so ironic as I read it back to myself. If I didn't have to? Who's making me? We are slaves to our appearances. I like to think that I'm a fairly free and authentic person most of the time, but I think I'm often just fooling myself. Like an image of the image I've created for myself (Inception reminiscent? Of course. A dream within a dream...). I'm vain and hypocritical and proud; I spend all my time writing about how I should live and love, instead of actually living and loving it out; I get road rage sometimes. Well, Sarah, you've admitted that you have problems, that's something, right? No, really, it isn't. So I've maybe ripped off the band-aid that covered the wound. But I could spend my whole life staring at the cut and waiting for it to scab up and then for it to become a scar. It won't happen though, because it's a wound that I'm constantly inflicting on myself. I've got to do more, be more proactive. Or, really, I've got to let God do the work in me. It takes dying to myself every day, and it takes depending on Christ to give me my identity, to grow me into the woman He created me to be. "He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
bestfriendsistertwinsanity
I have a confession to make.
I have no idea what to write about tonight.
I have no idea what to write about, but I know I need to write. It's just one of those nights. I have all these unfinished thoughts running around in my head at lightspeed and they're all looking for their places. And it's raining - a big, bright Texas thunderstorm. So I've got great music, the sound of rain, and the occasional flash of lightning. It's like a dream come true. So of course I have to write; it would be madness not to.
Like always, my inspiration just hit me in the face, unexpected and sudden. Here goes.
So I've got this best friend. Well, best friend isn't quite the term. More like soul sister, brain twin, sanity, partner in crime, occasional mother, inspiration, teacher... some combination of all of those things, and more. Anyway, clearly, she is awesome. It all began a few years ago when we discovered that we didn't quite fit in our group of friends. Or really that we didn't quite fit in anywhere. Since then we've gotten a little older, a little wiser, a little sillier; we've read good books and listened to good music; we've discovered what we're really good at, and what we're maybe not so good at; we've had lots of successes and some failures; one of us has fallen in love and been through some of the worst pain, the other has made some silly mistakes; we've seen God at work in each other's lives and in our own; we've learned a lot; we've got scores of inside jokes and we've probably had more fun than should be humanly possible. And we still don't really fit in. But it's a good kind of not fitting in. She's the kind of best friend everyone wants - you know, the kind who knows exactly what you're thinking or feeling without you ever having to utter a single word, the kind who pushes you to do your best and makes you do what know you need to do, the kind who tells you like it is when you're refusing to acknowledge it, the kind who understands everything you say, whether it's a complete thought or not, the kind who sends you good indie music and tells you your writing is good, the kind who laughs at all your jokes, even when they suck. The kind you have no idea where you would be without. She is one of the best pieces of evidence that God is here, in my life, and He loves me immensely. I could write pages upon pages about her and our friendship and all of our jokes and the things God has taught us through each other. Of course, I can't and won't do that here, so this will have to suffice. You know what they say - "A picture's worth a thousand words." So here are a few that give you a pretty good glimpse into our lives.
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I have no idea what to write about tonight.
I have no idea what to write about, but I know I need to write. It's just one of those nights. I have all these unfinished thoughts running around in my head at lightspeed and they're all looking for their places. And it's raining - a big, bright Texas thunderstorm. So I've got great music, the sound of rain, and the occasional flash of lightning. It's like a dream come true. So of course I have to write; it would be madness not to.
Like always, my inspiration just hit me in the face, unexpected and sudden. Here goes.
So I've got this best friend. Well, best friend isn't quite the term. More like soul sister, brain twin, sanity, partner in crime, occasional mother, inspiration, teacher... some combination of all of those things, and more. Anyway, clearly, she is awesome. It all began a few years ago when we discovered that we didn't quite fit in our group of friends. Or really that we didn't quite fit in anywhere. Since then we've gotten a little older, a little wiser, a little sillier; we've read good books and listened to good music; we've discovered what we're really good at, and what we're maybe not so good at; we've had lots of successes and some failures; one of us has fallen in love and been through some of the worst pain, the other has made some silly mistakes; we've seen God at work in each other's lives and in our own; we've learned a lot; we've got scores of inside jokes and we've probably had more fun than should be humanly possible. And we still don't really fit in. But it's a good kind of not fitting in. She's the kind of best friend everyone wants - you know, the kind who knows exactly what you're thinking or feeling without you ever having to utter a single word, the kind who pushes you to do your best and makes you do what know you need to do, the kind who tells you like it is when you're refusing to acknowledge it, the kind who understands everything you say, whether it's a complete thought or not, the kind who sends you good indie music and tells you your writing is good, the kind who laughs at all your jokes, even when they suck. The kind you have no idea where you would be without. She is one of the best pieces of evidence that God is here, in my life, and He loves me immensely. I could write pages upon pages about her and our friendship and all of our jokes and the things God has taught us through each other. Of course, I can't and won't do that here, so this will have to suffice. You know what they say - "A picture's worth a thousand words." So here are a few that give you a pretty good glimpse into our lives.
Dedicated to the bestest friend a girl could possibly ask for. I love you LC!
Also, thanks for some of the pictures. :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
creative bit: dreams
He didn't speak. He couldn't. He knew that if he did, she would wake. And he didn't want that; he didn't know what he wanted. So he watched her sleep, watched her breath rise and fall, watched the scenes of her dreams unfold. He let her imagination take him captive, her dreams became his. He lingered there, in the space they shared, watched his character act out his role in the life of her's.
Realization brought him back. He was back in that room with the sunlight beginning to pour in through the window. She was asleep; he was awake. And he didn't know what he wanted.
He turned away from her and began studying the aging wood that made up the window frame, and thinking. What would life look like with her in it? Was he even capable of including another character in it? Could he be faithful? What was love? How many children did he want? The answers came as a flood, not as particular answers to particular questions but as one big answer to an even bigger, all-encompassing question. Beautiful; yes; she was the only one he wanted; work; four.
He knew what he wanted. He was more sure of it than anything in his whole life. He turned back to her, the words nearly dripping from his mouth. They died on his lips. She was gone; slipped away. Her spot was still warm, for she had just been there. But there was no sign of her. She was gone - for good this time.
He had waited too long.
**This was not intentionally depressing. My apologies.
Realization brought him back. He was back in that room with the sunlight beginning to pour in through the window. She was asleep; he was awake. And he didn't know what he wanted.
He turned away from her and began studying the aging wood that made up the window frame, and thinking. What would life look like with her in it? Was he even capable of including another character in it? Could he be faithful? What was love? How many children did he want? The answers came as a flood, not as particular answers to particular questions but as one big answer to an even bigger, all-encompassing question. Beautiful; yes; she was the only one he wanted; work; four.
He knew what he wanted. He was more sure of it than anything in his whole life. He turned back to her, the words nearly dripping from his mouth. They died on his lips. She was gone; slipped away. Her spot was still warm, for she had just been there. But there was no sign of her. She was gone - for good this time.
He had waited too long.
**This was not intentionally depressing. My apologies.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Just a pondering sort of evening...you know, an evening in which you ponder
Have you ever had the feeling that maybe you were wrong about all the things you thought you wanted in life? That maybe the whole go to school, get married, have kids, go to church on Sunday mornings life isn't what God has planned for you? I thought I wanted to live that life. But I don't want to live comfortably anymore. I don't know what that means yet; I don't know what God means by that yet. But I don't think I want to get my degree and a job and fall in love with someone cool who is going to make good money and get married and live in the suburbs and have a few kids and a dog and maybe lead a women's group at church or something. That was the comfortable life I wanted. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. But I have this inexplicable desire for something more, something weirder (I happen to be a rather odd sort of girl, so this logically follows my incredibly illogical personality). Sure, I'm going to finish school and get a degree. Of course I'll still marry someone cool (I also have incredibly good taste in people, you know this if you're friends with me, so it's only natural that whomever that sir is will be also odd, but the cool sort). But do I want a safe job that provides me with a decent income? Do I want my future husband to work in an office just to make good money to support a comfortable lifestyle? Maybe that IS the life God has planned for me. But I don't think He would give me these desires for something different if that was the case. I don't have any clue what I'll be doing. Maybe we'll travel the world and love on people; or maybe we'll just love on people right here in the states, right here in our own cities. I don't know what we'll be doing, and I don't want to know. I'm just here to live and love as Christ lived and loved.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Creative: Childhood in a Box (b-side)
So this is a poem I wrote about a year ago, just for funsies. It has b-side in the title because it was a follow-up to an earlier poem that was really just a list of weird things I found in a shoebox from my childhood that I slapped a cool rhythm on. Anyway, this one is way better just because it's not a list. And it has a rhyme scheme of sorts. Disclaimer: This is, in fact, a fictional poem about a fictional homeless girl. I, of course, did not grow up in a box pent up with my hopes and fears.
Once upon a time
There lived a girl who
Hadn’t a dime.
And she hadn’t a house
And she always wore the same dress
And she always had a streak of dirt upon her brow.
Well since she had no real place to reside,
She lived in a box in an alley between Front Street and 3rd
With an old stuffed bear in whom she did confide.
And every now and then she would upgrade,
But mostly she would just stay the same.
So she passed all of her childhood years
Pent up in a box with all her hopes and fears
Once upon a time
There lived a girl who
Hadn’t a dime.
And she hadn’t a house
And she always wore the same dress
And she always had a streak of dirt upon her brow.
Well since she had no real place to reside,
She lived in a box in an alley between Front Street and 3rd
With an old stuffed bear in whom she did confide.
And every now and then she would upgrade,
But mostly she would just stay the same.
So she passed all of her childhood years
Pent up in a box with all her hopes and fears
Friday, June 3, 2011
Old Bible, Decisions, Prayer (haphazard)
So I got a new Bible last summer. Right around a year ago. It was right before I started college, and I had decided that it was high time for a new one for a couple reasons. One was that I wanted a new translation (ESV is offcially my favorite and will remain so), another that I wanted a prettier Bible, and the main reason was that I wanted something new to explore. I had marked so many passages in my old Bible that I found myself repeatedly turning to those, and only those, that I had marked. I figured that if I got a new one, I would find new passages, mark new verses; it would freshen things up. I've found that in the last year since I got a new Bible, it has seen much less activity. Tonight I flipped through my old Bible and found that it had been well-loved. It has water damage from being toted around, lies flat when opened because it was so often used, and has scores of passages hastily marked with anything I could find - pens, markers, even colored pencil. The condition of the new Bible stands in stark contrast to this. The binding is still sturdy, the pages unwrinkled because they haven't been touched much, the few marked passages highlighted very precisely. In the last year I have lost my interest in, my love for, the Word of God. I have been too busy to earnestly seek my Lord through the words inspired by the Spirit. It is a tragedy encountered by far too many college students. My prayer is that I will find my first Love again.
Decisions...I hate them. Or I've come to hate them at least. It wouldn't be so bad if decisions were free-standing; you know, if all that mattered was your yes or no. But so many things go into a decision, there are so many factors, so many possible outcomes, so much potential for someone to get hurt or offended. If you are a part of any kind of community, family or friends (or both), you cannot make a decision based solely on yourself. You must always take into account the way it will affect those you love. And that is where things get complicated. Sometimes your community won't even allow you to make the decision on your own, which can be a blessing and a curse. I am currently right in the midst of a (somewhat) big life decision, and I keep finding myself simply wanting it to be over. No matter which way it goes, I just want the matter to be settled. I mean of course I have a preference, but the limbo I'm currently in until everything is worked out is making me go crazy. Here ends my ramble about my beliefs on decisions. Updates to come.
So I have this notebook that has all manner of random things in it: grocery lists, scores of pro/con lists, a bucket list, prayers and answers. It was given to me a few years ago by my best friend, and I love going back through it every now and then. Tonight's find was a page that I had written of things I heard from God during prayer while I was on a mission trip last summer. You can say God doesn't speak anymore all you want, but our God is a living God, and He speaks. This is what He said to me that night:
"You are to love. You love to love people, so do it for Me. Learn to enjoy loving the hard-to-love, for they are Mine as well. This is what I have called you to do, this is your mission. My Love is the light that shines through the cracks in you, it is what brings together the broken pieces of you and glues them together into a beautiful mosaic. It binds up your wounds, gives you healing and peace, reassures you. Let it speak to you, take it for yourself and then give it to others. This is what I have created you for.
Your mind is a beatiful thing. I know it well - I created it. My hands molded it together, made it unique, original. It is vibrant, full of life, incredibly active. Yet in its activity, do not let it wander to fears of the unknown and uncertain. Let it not make its life down in the 'misty lowlands' that are not of Me, the places that are full of fear, worry, and self-reliance, the places that hide My face from you. Instead, lift your mind up to Me and let Me take you to the higher places, where you walk hand-in-hand with Me. Here you will see life as I meant for it to be, where things are more beautiful because you can see Me in them, where all people deserve to be loved with My love. Here your mind will be even brighter, more vibrant, active in a good way because you will be thinking of the things of Me, not afraid of the future or what you don't have because you will know that I am providing for you." I need to read this daily.
Decisions...I hate them. Or I've come to hate them at least. It wouldn't be so bad if decisions were free-standing; you know, if all that mattered was your yes or no. But so many things go into a decision, there are so many factors, so many possible outcomes, so much potential for someone to get hurt or offended. If you are a part of any kind of community, family or friends (or both), you cannot make a decision based solely on yourself. You must always take into account the way it will affect those you love. And that is where things get complicated. Sometimes your community won't even allow you to make the decision on your own, which can be a blessing and a curse. I am currently right in the midst of a (somewhat) big life decision, and I keep finding myself simply wanting it to be over. No matter which way it goes, I just want the matter to be settled. I mean of course I have a preference, but the limbo I'm currently in until everything is worked out is making me go crazy. Here ends my ramble about my beliefs on decisions. Updates to come.
So I have this notebook that has all manner of random things in it: grocery lists, scores of pro/con lists, a bucket list, prayers and answers. It was given to me a few years ago by my best friend, and I love going back through it every now and then. Tonight's find was a page that I had written of things I heard from God during prayer while I was on a mission trip last summer. You can say God doesn't speak anymore all you want, but our God is a living God, and He speaks. This is what He said to me that night:
"You are to love. You love to love people, so do it for Me. Learn to enjoy loving the hard-to-love, for they are Mine as well. This is what I have called you to do, this is your mission. My Love is the light that shines through the cracks in you, it is what brings together the broken pieces of you and glues them together into a beautiful mosaic. It binds up your wounds, gives you healing and peace, reassures you. Let it speak to you, take it for yourself and then give it to others. This is what I have created you for.
Your mind is a beatiful thing. I know it well - I created it. My hands molded it together, made it unique, original. It is vibrant, full of life, incredibly active. Yet in its activity, do not let it wander to fears of the unknown and uncertain. Let it not make its life down in the 'misty lowlands' that are not of Me, the places that are full of fear, worry, and self-reliance, the places that hide My face from you. Instead, lift your mind up to Me and let Me take you to the higher places, where you walk hand-in-hand with Me. Here you will see life as I meant for it to be, where things are more beautiful because you can see Me in them, where all people deserve to be loved with My love. Here your mind will be even brighter, more vibrant, active in a good way because you will be thinking of the things of Me, not afraid of the future or what you don't have because you will know that I am providing for you." I need to read this daily.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
repost: frail
This is a poem I wrote and posted almost a year ago. I just rediscovered it and realized how fitting it is for this time in my life. And personally, I kind of like it.
A frail thing am I,
Fraught, I am, with selfish desire,
Uncertainty, and pride.
With greedy aspirations have I fashioned my own funeral pyre -
But with His graceful hand has He turned the tide.
Frail though I am,
He sought me, pursued me,
Never yielding, though I ran and ran.
I fought, but my body gave out, my legs grew weary.
And I collapsed, bone-tired, into His strong, waiting arms -
And never was the same.
A frail thing am I,
Fraught, I am, with selfish desire,
Uncertainty, and pride.
With greedy aspirations have I fashioned my own funeral pyre -
But with His graceful hand has He turned the tide.
Frail though I am,
He sought me, pursued me,
Never yielding, though I ran and ran.
I fought, but my body gave out, my legs grew weary.
And I collapsed, bone-tired, into His strong, waiting arms -
And never was the same.
Monday, May 9, 2011
mistakes
"Don't be so hard on yourself. I can bring good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration. Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me. Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.
Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes. Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride. Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust me, and watch to see what I will do."
Jesus Calling, May 9
How fitting that this would be the Jesus Calling devotion for today, a day that I have spent thinking and talking about all of the many mistakes I've made over the last semester and their consequences. And there have been a lot of them. I have done a lot of things that are very un-me. I am incredibly stubborn and hardheaded, and there were some lessons that I needed to learn. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have begun to see this past semester for what it was and just how much I had gotten away from myself. I have done a lot of stupid things, it's true. But for all my mistakes, I know that God is still molding my life into a piece of art that reflects His glory. And that's all that matters in the end.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
time
so it's nearly 5 am. if you know me at all, or have ever read this blog before, this should not surprise you one bit. what might, however, surprise you is the fact that it has been nearly an entire two months since I wrote last. and I don't mean just on this blog. I mean at all. I haven't written a creative word in basically two months. and I love writing. but there are a lot of things that go into writing - whether it's just your thoughts or a creative piece. and there is a certain motivation that has to accompany a writer when she sits down to write. and if it isn't there, absolutely nothing will happen. she will just stare at her computer screen or the page in her notebook until she begins to feel bad about herself and her lack of creativity and eventually she will turn her attention to something else, in order to make herself feel a little better. and then, weeks later, she will remember that she is a writer, and she has things to say. so she will write them.
I suppose I must give a disclaimer and warn you that there is nothing new under the sun. I am about to proceed to write about the same things that I always write about. but, of course, it will come out differently. commencing...now.
I lost her. you know, that girl that thinks deep thoughts, and loves God, and likes to write. she kind of disappeared for a bit. I think I chased her away. but it's the middle of the night and she's been MIA for awhile now, and I'm realizing how much I miss her. but, you say, if you want her back, why don't you just go find her? my response is two-fold: 1. touche and 2. it's simply not that easy. you see, I'm not sure if she's gone forever. she may have been replaced with a much less cool version of herself. however, I like to believe she's still out there and I just have to wait around a bit. believe me, if I thought there was something I could do to magically make her resume her role, I would do it in a hearbeat. but these things take time. motivation is sufficient for now I suppose. she's coming back bit by bit. hopefully we'll see her back in her prime pretty soon here. otherwise...the world will be stuck with the not-as-cool girl. she'll be back though, I know it. it just takes time.
"Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to "receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let me fill you up with My presence: I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for me. Faltering steps of dependence are not a lack of faith; they are links to My presence."
-Jesus Calling for April 27
I suppose I must give a disclaimer and warn you that there is nothing new under the sun. I am about to proceed to write about the same things that I always write about. but, of course, it will come out differently. commencing...now.
I lost her. you know, that girl that thinks deep thoughts, and loves God, and likes to write. she kind of disappeared for a bit. I think I chased her away. but it's the middle of the night and she's been MIA for awhile now, and I'm realizing how much I miss her. but, you say, if you want her back, why don't you just go find her? my response is two-fold: 1. touche and 2. it's simply not that easy. you see, I'm not sure if she's gone forever. she may have been replaced with a much less cool version of herself. however, I like to believe she's still out there and I just have to wait around a bit. believe me, if I thought there was something I could do to magically make her resume her role, I would do it in a hearbeat. but these things take time. motivation is sufficient for now I suppose. she's coming back bit by bit. hopefully we'll see her back in her prime pretty soon here. otherwise...the world will be stuck with the not-as-cool girl. she'll be back though, I know it. it just takes time.
"Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to "receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let me fill you up with My presence: I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for me. Faltering steps of dependence are not a lack of faith; they are links to My presence."
-Jesus Calling for April 27
Monday, March 7, 2011
yoga, world, peace, sanity
"find your center"
"quiet your mind"
"focus inward"
these are the sorts of things my yoga instructor tells us as she walks among the twenty or so yoga mats during class. these are the things that become a huge hurdle for a girl who is always wondering what is going to happen later tonight or tomorrow or in a month, a girl who is always trying to figure out how she feels, a girl whose thoughts change direction about as quickly and as often as the amount on the national debt clock goes up. for me, yoga is a challenge both mentally and physically. the physical challenge is fun because each class I notice that I can get a little bit deeper into the positions. the mental challenge is...frustrating. I want to be able to turn my brain off. I want to be able to meditate on God. I want to be able to just focus on my breathing and let my spirit have some chill time. but it is seriously so hard. I'm continually fighting myself throughout class to get back on track. it never lasts. but when I do achieve quietness for just a few minutes, it is a beautiful thing. and the challenge and frustration is totally worth those few minutes of inner peace.
these are some of the things I like best about yoga:
1. there is no one to talk to. talking is strictly forbidden. and while my friend and I will sneak glances at each other or make sound effects when we're trying a new posture, I still feel like I'm alone. but it's the good kind of solitude. the kind everybody needs every now and then.
2. there is no one to impress - in my class at least. I'm in a beginner class, so everyone (except this one girl who seriously rocks at yoga) looks equally ridiculous when we do new postures.
3. I control it. the instructor tells us what poses to do when and reminds us to breathe and focus, but I control how far I take a posture, I control how deep inside myself I go.
4. as trippy as it may sound, I feel like I'm a tiny but vital part of this huge, beautiful world when I practice yoga. to be cliche, I feel one with the world. cynics make fun of people who say those sorts of things, but if you're a cynic, you should know that you're missing out on a pretty fabulous feeling.
5. yoga is all about balance. but it's bigger than just being able to keep yourself up. it's about balance within and without. balance in your mind, balance between your spirit and your body, balance on your legs (or arms, or head), balance in your spiritual life. I am a very, very unbalanced woman, so I'm attracted to this concept of balance. it's something I'm working on.
6. I walk out of every class feeling energized and fresh and at peace. I'm awakened to the brightness of the sun and the breeze that plays with my hair and the goodness of life. I'm able to take my mind off of my problems and the things I have to get done and just enjoy what I've been given, the beautiful world I live in, the fabulous people in my life, the love God shows me every minute through all these things. it's definitely one of the best feelings ever.
life is going by at this insane speed. I feel sometimes like I'm just standing there and people, places, activities, they're all rushing past me. I look down at my feet for a second and look right back up and a month has passed by. yoga makes me slow down, makes my whole world slow down, for at least the hour and a half that I'm in class. it makes me realize how beautiful and important each tiny thing is - each minute, each day, each person, each life. yoga lends sanity to a very crazy life.
"quiet your mind"
"focus inward"
these are the sorts of things my yoga instructor tells us as she walks among the twenty or so yoga mats during class. these are the things that become a huge hurdle for a girl who is always wondering what is going to happen later tonight or tomorrow or in a month, a girl who is always trying to figure out how she feels, a girl whose thoughts change direction about as quickly and as often as the amount on the national debt clock goes up. for me, yoga is a challenge both mentally and physically. the physical challenge is fun because each class I notice that I can get a little bit deeper into the positions. the mental challenge is...frustrating. I want to be able to turn my brain off. I want to be able to meditate on God. I want to be able to just focus on my breathing and let my spirit have some chill time. but it is seriously so hard. I'm continually fighting myself throughout class to get back on track. it never lasts. but when I do achieve quietness for just a few minutes, it is a beautiful thing. and the challenge and frustration is totally worth those few minutes of inner peace.
these are some of the things I like best about yoga:
1. there is no one to talk to. talking is strictly forbidden. and while my friend and I will sneak glances at each other or make sound effects when we're trying a new posture, I still feel like I'm alone. but it's the good kind of solitude. the kind everybody needs every now and then.
2. there is no one to impress - in my class at least. I'm in a beginner class, so everyone (except this one girl who seriously rocks at yoga) looks equally ridiculous when we do new postures.
3. I control it. the instructor tells us what poses to do when and reminds us to breathe and focus, but I control how far I take a posture, I control how deep inside myself I go.
4. as trippy as it may sound, I feel like I'm a tiny but vital part of this huge, beautiful world when I practice yoga. to be cliche, I feel one with the world. cynics make fun of people who say those sorts of things, but if you're a cynic, you should know that you're missing out on a pretty fabulous feeling.
5. yoga is all about balance. but it's bigger than just being able to keep yourself up. it's about balance within and without. balance in your mind, balance between your spirit and your body, balance on your legs (or arms, or head), balance in your spiritual life. I am a very, very unbalanced woman, so I'm attracted to this concept of balance. it's something I'm working on.
6. I walk out of every class feeling energized and fresh and at peace. I'm awakened to the brightness of the sun and the breeze that plays with my hair and the goodness of life. I'm able to take my mind off of my problems and the things I have to get done and just enjoy what I've been given, the beautiful world I live in, the fabulous people in my life, the love God shows me every minute through all these things. it's definitely one of the best feelings ever.
life is going by at this insane speed. I feel sometimes like I'm just standing there and people, places, activities, they're all rushing past me. I look down at my feet for a second and look right back up and a month has passed by. yoga makes me slow down, makes my whole world slow down, for at least the hour and a half that I'm in class. it makes me realize how beautiful and important each tiny thing is - each minute, each day, each person, each life. yoga lends sanity to a very crazy life.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
down time
so I'm home for spring break. roughly translated, this means the first bit of down time I've had since I got back to school in January. down time equals sleeping for thirteen hours at a time, eating exorbitant amounts of food, making a trip to barnes & noble, and thinking about the fact that I haven't written a creative word in like a month. that is terrible. so, to get myself back into the swing of things, I decided to write a short, fun post. I don't do many of those, so I figure this is a good way to test the waters before I jump back in. so I'll sit back and listen to Harry Connick Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald and the like (because I can) and write a bit about myself.
I love to eat good food. and I love eating in funky environments. local places are the absolute BEST. my family just moved to austin, texas and I think my favorite thing has been trying out all these eclectic, little austinite food joints. the people are chill and cool, the decor is funky, and the food...is so, so good.
I love witty people. I think it is because I wish I was witty, so I enjoy getting to witness truly witty people being witty. and I like to laugh, and witty people like being laughed at.
I don't like acting like a grown up. but I like dressing like one.
I love emotions. I think they are beautiful. and I think it is important to feel them. I think that is the one bit of advice I find myself giving over and over again, embrace your emotions, good and bad. because emotion, to me, means passion. and where would we be without passion? think about all the passionate people you know of. what would this world be missing out on if they were content with apathetically sitting on their couches, oblivious to what was going on outside their houses? movements begin with one person. but that one person has to have a dream, a desire to do something. I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who aren't predisposed to feel the same way. we all have to come to terms with ourselves and our emotions are a huge part of who we are.
yoga is my most favorite recent discovery. I'm currently taking a class and getting course credit for it and I have fallen in love. I remember all the things I read about yoga and its spiritual implications and all that jazz, but you really can't understand it until you do it. there is just something about quieting my mind for an hour and a half, focusing on who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm even on this earth. you can make yoga as spiritual or physical as you want. I prefer a perfect blend of the two - I put my mind to work meditating on Christ (as much as I can make myself focus, which is a huge feat for my short attention span and overactive brain) and I put my body to work practicing postures, digging deeper each day, seeing how far I can take a posture, depending on my core to keep me up. it's really fun and challenging. I walk out of each class with this invigorating sort of peace, it's like being at peace, but at the same time being energized and ready to do something. I like it a lot.
ehh, I think that's enough for tonight. goodnight, world.
I love to eat good food. and I love eating in funky environments. local places are the absolute BEST. my family just moved to austin, texas and I think my favorite thing has been trying out all these eclectic, little austinite food joints. the people are chill and cool, the decor is funky, and the food...is so, so good.
I love witty people. I think it is because I wish I was witty, so I enjoy getting to witness truly witty people being witty. and I like to laugh, and witty people like being laughed at.
I don't like acting like a grown up. but I like dressing like one.
I love emotions. I think they are beautiful. and I think it is important to feel them. I think that is the one bit of advice I find myself giving over and over again, embrace your emotions, good and bad. because emotion, to me, means passion. and where would we be without passion? think about all the passionate people you know of. what would this world be missing out on if they were content with apathetically sitting on their couches, oblivious to what was going on outside their houses? movements begin with one person. but that one person has to have a dream, a desire to do something. I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who aren't predisposed to feel the same way. we all have to come to terms with ourselves and our emotions are a huge part of who we are.
yoga is my most favorite recent discovery. I'm currently taking a class and getting course credit for it and I have fallen in love. I remember all the things I read about yoga and its spiritual implications and all that jazz, but you really can't understand it until you do it. there is just something about quieting my mind for an hour and a half, focusing on who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm even on this earth. you can make yoga as spiritual or physical as you want. I prefer a perfect blend of the two - I put my mind to work meditating on Christ (as much as I can make myself focus, which is a huge feat for my short attention span and overactive brain) and I put my body to work practicing postures, digging deeper each day, seeing how far I can take a posture, depending on my core to keep me up. it's really fun and challenging. I walk out of each class with this invigorating sort of peace, it's like being at peace, but at the same time being energized and ready to do something. I like it a lot.
ehh, I think that's enough for tonight. goodnight, world.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
perfect
"It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable. But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love. We could just live our normal, day-to-day lives, saving all the good living up for someday, but I think today, just plain today, is worth it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
I cannot tell you how much this quote fits into my life at the moment. my life is currently in a state of war, a battle between letting all the things that aren't perfect affect my outlook, making me frustrated and dissatisfied, and choosing to look past all those imperfect things and see the beautiful life I have been given. this week has been a long one in so many ways and there are a lot of things that I let get to me, let scratch at my brain until my unhappiness covered me like grime on a window. it distorted my view and blocked out the sun that was shining outside. it's a long story, one that I'm not going to go into, because it isn't the point. what is the point is that I let it all affect me, and what a mess it left. it's a struggle to write at the moment because of this battle, but I think by the end of this post, it will all be spilling out as usual.
we all have these ideas of what our life would be like if it were perfect. if we were just a little bit prettier or smarter, or we had more friends, or if we were dating that one guy, instead of just being one of his best friends. and we forget that the lives we have are perfect. not because nothing is wrong, but because they are the lives that we have, the lives we are meant to be living right now. true perfection does not exist in our world, only in the next. but I like to define perfection as it is in our world as the chaotic, messy, beautiful state that things are at their core. perfection to me is the deepest bit of your soul, the bit you try not to show people, but the bit that comes out when life hits hard, when you feel pure emotion, when you're in love, when you get sick of keeping up appearances and open up that little bird cage inside of you and let yourself out. perfection to me is life not going the way you want it to in your head, is improvising, is taking chances, is seeing beauty in the imperfection. perfection is refusing to pretend, but singing in the face of heartbreak, laughing in the face of fear, dancing in the face of grief.
because life will go on until it's over. doesn't that sound so obvious, so incredibly evident? I forget it all the time. we all do. we all act as if our lives will end if we don't get the job or the guy or the dress. but they won't. they'll just change. we'll find a different job, marry a different guy, buy a cheaper dress that our friends will still compliment incessantly. and that will be the way things were supposed to be all along, we just couldn't see it in the midst of our disappointment. that will be perfection. and our God is trying to tell us that each and every day. "I want to say, 'What can I do today that brings more beauty, more energy, more hope?' Because it seems like that's what God is saying to us, over and over. 'What can I do today to remind you again how good life is? You think the color of the sky is good now, wait till sunset. You think oranges are good? Try a tangerine.' He's a crazy delightful mad scientist and keeps coming back from the lab with great, unbelievable new things, and it's a gift. It's a gift to be a part of it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines.
I cannot tell you how much this quote fits into my life at the moment. my life is currently in a state of war, a battle between letting all the things that aren't perfect affect my outlook, making me frustrated and dissatisfied, and choosing to look past all those imperfect things and see the beautiful life I have been given. this week has been a long one in so many ways and there are a lot of things that I let get to me, let scratch at my brain until my unhappiness covered me like grime on a window. it distorted my view and blocked out the sun that was shining outside. it's a long story, one that I'm not going to go into, because it isn't the point. what is the point is that I let it all affect me, and what a mess it left. it's a struggle to write at the moment because of this battle, but I think by the end of this post, it will all be spilling out as usual.
we all have these ideas of what our life would be like if it were perfect. if we were just a little bit prettier or smarter, or we had more friends, or if we were dating that one guy, instead of just being one of his best friends. and we forget that the lives we have are perfect. not because nothing is wrong, but because they are the lives that we have, the lives we are meant to be living right now. true perfection does not exist in our world, only in the next. but I like to define perfection as it is in our world as the chaotic, messy, beautiful state that things are at their core. perfection to me is the deepest bit of your soul, the bit you try not to show people, but the bit that comes out when life hits hard, when you feel pure emotion, when you're in love, when you get sick of keeping up appearances and open up that little bird cage inside of you and let yourself out. perfection to me is life not going the way you want it to in your head, is improvising, is taking chances, is seeing beauty in the imperfection. perfection is refusing to pretend, but singing in the face of heartbreak, laughing in the face of fear, dancing in the face of grief.
because life will go on until it's over. doesn't that sound so obvious, so incredibly evident? I forget it all the time. we all do. we all act as if our lives will end if we don't get the job or the guy or the dress. but they won't. they'll just change. we'll find a different job, marry a different guy, buy a cheaper dress that our friends will still compliment incessantly. and that will be the way things were supposed to be all along, we just couldn't see it in the midst of our disappointment. that will be perfection. and our God is trying to tell us that each and every day. "I want to say, 'What can I do today that brings more beauty, more energy, more hope?' Because it seems like that's what God is saying to us, over and over. 'What can I do today to remind you again how good life is? You think the color of the sky is good now, wait till sunset. You think oranges are good? Try a tangerine.' He's a crazy delightful mad scientist and keeps coming back from the lab with great, unbelievable new things, and it's a gift. It's a gift to be a part of it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines.
Monday, January 24, 2011
chaos theory
today has been one of those rare days that you get in college sometimes - I didn't have to go to the first two of my three monday classes. it was bliss. I had a few extra hours to do absolutely nothing, so what did I do but, like any other college student, pull up my mom's netflix account to watch a movie. I had found this movie called Chaos Theory a few days ago in my netflix browsing. all I needed to know about it was that it starred ryan reynolds and was a romantic comedy. perfect for today. except that it was hardly what I was expecting. seriously, romantic comedy is the entirely wrong genre to throw it in. where do I begin? I suppose by telling you that if you really want to understand any of this post, go watch it. it is well worth your time. (and ladies: ryan reynolds...what more needs to be said?) because I refuse to waste space by explaining to you the plot, here's a good summary: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460745/.
essentially, it was one of those movies that awakens nearly every emotion you have. one of those movies that makes you want to yell at the screen because things aren't going the way you know they should. it made me angry, made me laugh, made me (almost) cry, made me realize the complexity and depth of lfe. at least that's how I felt, anyway. maybe it was just because I was entirely ready to feel all those emotions again, you know, those ones that have been escaping me so much as of late. whatever the reason, I felt them. and it felt so good. there's something about emotions, the way they bind you to the rest of the human race. when I am at a shallow emotion point, I have a hard time relating to people; but when I'm emotionally awake, I can feel other's emotions well again. it's funny what a movie, a movie you expected to be silly and quite nearly pointless, can do to you. but I feel like life is at it's best when it's completely unexpected.
when life is expected, when you act in a premeditated, expected way, there will never be any surprises. that sounds too obvious to write, but that thought rarely occurs to me when I'm living my predictable life. I want to be less predictable, I want to do what I feel is right, not what I've rationalized out and determined to be right. I feel like life is more full when we don't do what everyone assumes we are going to do. the chaotic life is the beautiful life.
today's to do list: be unexpected.
essentially, it was one of those movies that awakens nearly every emotion you have. one of those movies that makes you want to yell at the screen because things aren't going the way you know they should. it made me angry, made me laugh, made me (almost) cry, made me realize the complexity and depth of lfe. at least that's how I felt, anyway. maybe it was just because I was entirely ready to feel all those emotions again, you know, those ones that have been escaping me so much as of late. whatever the reason, I felt them. and it felt so good. there's something about emotions, the way they bind you to the rest of the human race. when I am at a shallow emotion point, I have a hard time relating to people; but when I'm emotionally awake, I can feel other's emotions well again. it's funny what a movie, a movie you expected to be silly and quite nearly pointless, can do to you. but I feel like life is at it's best when it's completely unexpected.
when life is expected, when you act in a premeditated, expected way, there will never be any surprises. that sounds too obvious to write, but that thought rarely occurs to me when I'm living my predictable life. I want to be less predictable, I want to do what I feel is right, not what I've rationalized out and determined to be right. I feel like life is more full when we don't do what everyone assumes we are going to do. the chaotic life is the beautiful life.
today's to do list: be unexpected.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
mess
mess (noun) - a dirty, untidy, or disordered condition
that is probably the best way you could describe my current condition. I mean typically I'm a bit of a mess, but it's worse right now; it's a deeper kind of mess right now. it's 3:24 in the morning. blogspot won't tell you that because my timing is off on my blog. but as I am writing it is nearly halfway between three and four am. and I don't get myself. even before I left texas I was feeling a bit of a disconnect with myself. I don't know if you're familiar with those, but I am well aquainted with them. but now it's like there is a wall there. a wall between the me I show everyone and the me I am underneath it all. and I can't get through to her, the one underneath it all. I've been reading my favorite quotes and my old blog posts and trying to remind myself who I am, but I can't feel it. I'm not in touch with those deep emotions that inspire me to write and love and believe. it's like I know who I am, but I can't feel it. this will either make complete sense to you, or make me sound like a lunatic. take it as you will. perhaps it's that creative gene in me, right? that's what we all tell ourselves to help us sleep at night. but I think it's really more me running from God. and I really don't have a reason to. because when I'm in line with Him, in love with Him, I am perfectly in tune with the woman He created me to be. I feel deeply all the time; I have things to write about; I'm able to see what's going on beneath the surface. but something is keeping me from Him. and I've been analyzing every part of my life trying to figure out what it is. I thought it was maybe something that I wanted to do that I knew wasn't His will for me, but I've stopped wanting those things I used to want so badly. I'm cleaning up in terms of the things that I do. so I don't think it's that. I haven't been reading my Bible much at all lately and I haven't been sleeping at good hours and I'm ten hours away from my family, from the people that know me and understand me and love me anyway, for the first time in my life. but I just can't convince myself that that's it either. the desire to read God's Word is usually a physical manifestation of loving Him and being in tune with Him (for me, at least). it goes deeper than that. and I have no idea where the root of it is. so I don't know what to do about it. I mean there is actually nothing I can really do about it. the only thing I can do is let go and let God sweep me up into His arms and remind me that I'm not alone, on my own. but it is oh so hard to do that. I like my control. I like being able to determine problems and fix them myself. but it is getting harder to keep up this exterior, to keep up appearances, to fake it 'til I make it. I am a mess. but only as a mess can I demonstrate to the rest of the messy world the glory of the God that takes wretches like me and turns them into beautiful masterpieces.
"I wait until my life has become so completely unlivable and the person I am has become so deeply unmoored from reality and hope and goodness, that I break down and pray." - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines. I'm there, God.
that is probably the best way you could describe my current condition. I mean typically I'm a bit of a mess, but it's worse right now; it's a deeper kind of mess right now. it's 3:24 in the morning. blogspot won't tell you that because my timing is off on my blog. but as I am writing it is nearly halfway between three and four am. and I don't get myself. even before I left texas I was feeling a bit of a disconnect with myself. I don't know if you're familiar with those, but I am well aquainted with them. but now it's like there is a wall there. a wall between the me I show everyone and the me I am underneath it all. and I can't get through to her, the one underneath it all. I've been reading my favorite quotes and my old blog posts and trying to remind myself who I am, but I can't feel it. I'm not in touch with those deep emotions that inspire me to write and love and believe. it's like I know who I am, but I can't feel it. this will either make complete sense to you, or make me sound like a lunatic. take it as you will. perhaps it's that creative gene in me, right? that's what we all tell ourselves to help us sleep at night. but I think it's really more me running from God. and I really don't have a reason to. because when I'm in line with Him, in love with Him, I am perfectly in tune with the woman He created me to be. I feel deeply all the time; I have things to write about; I'm able to see what's going on beneath the surface. but something is keeping me from Him. and I've been analyzing every part of my life trying to figure out what it is. I thought it was maybe something that I wanted to do that I knew wasn't His will for me, but I've stopped wanting those things I used to want so badly. I'm cleaning up in terms of the things that I do. so I don't think it's that. I haven't been reading my Bible much at all lately and I haven't been sleeping at good hours and I'm ten hours away from my family, from the people that know me and understand me and love me anyway, for the first time in my life. but I just can't convince myself that that's it either. the desire to read God's Word is usually a physical manifestation of loving Him and being in tune with Him (for me, at least). it goes deeper than that. and I have no idea where the root of it is. so I don't know what to do about it. I mean there is actually nothing I can really do about it. the only thing I can do is let go and let God sweep me up into His arms and remind me that I'm not alone, on my own. but it is oh so hard to do that. I like my control. I like being able to determine problems and fix them myself. but it is getting harder to keep up this exterior, to keep up appearances, to fake it 'til I make it. I am a mess. but only as a mess can I demonstrate to the rest of the messy world the glory of the God that takes wretches like me and turns them into beautiful masterpieces.
"I wait until my life has become so completely unlivable and the person I am has become so deeply unmoored from reality and hope and goodness, that I break down and pray." - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines. I'm there, God.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
scared
it has been far too long since I wrote last. I completely lost all will to write - I suppose you call that creativity - for some really, really crazy days. but, what do you know, that little spark found it's way to me again...at 1 o'clock in the morning (as per the usual). and even though I have class tomorrow morning and reading that I really must be doing for my english class, I can't fight it because I've got something to say.
I'm scared.
there, I said it. it's out there and I can't take it back. and it's completely true. I am scared. most of my fear is caused by people. don't take that the wrong way, I truly love people. I love my family and friends, I love meeting new people, I love being around big groups of people. but they make me nervous sometimes. I think it is because I am constantly worrying about what they think. it's terrible, I know. I shouldn't care. and it isn't really that I care, it's more that I just wonder. the semester just started and so that has brought a lot of brand new people into my life, mixed in with the old ones, and I'm alone for really the first time in my life because my family moved to a different state over the break, and sometimes in my head I'm still that awkward high school girl who isn't, you know, really a superstar or anything special like that. I'm still awkward, of course, but I used to just think I was kind of boring, a bit of a plain jane, that there was nothing really special about me. since then I've realized that there's something special about everyone, everyone's different and important because they bring something special to the table. I think it was because I was always into a whole lot of different things, and I was never exceptional at any of them that I felt this way. but I think that is my "thing". (you know, everyone's got their "thing", right?) I am quite multi-faceted. I mean everyone's multi-faceted, but really. I love to run and eat and write, and the only thing I'm really, really good at out of the three is eating; I act like a 5 year old most of the time, but I love talking about life problems and giving advice as best I can; I wear running shorts and massive t-shirts almost all the time, but I seriously love fashion; I am a scholar, I am an artist, I am a woman; I love, love, love people, but I'm more shy than I wish I was. I used to think all this meant that I didn't really have a "thing" and that I needed to find one. which, I guess, is why I started running track in junior year, and why I got obsessed with my grades for a little bit because I thought they weren't good enough, and why I started painting canvases, and sort of (probably subconsciously) why I started this blog. but all of those pursuits only made me realize that I love them all. so here I am: a college kid, a sorority woman, who is a little wiser, a little sillier, and certainly a lot more comfortable with herself.
all of that, really, was to point out the lack of logic in my next dissertation. why, then, am I so easily unnerved by people? I try to justify it by blaming it on the fact that out of all the things in this world, I hold people dearest. but that is an excuse. I am so easily unnerved by people (sometimes) because I worry too much about what they think about me. it's true. and while I would never change something about myself because of someone's opinion, I often find myself believing that my chief end is to be liked. I don't like being singled out. I don't like not having anyone to talk to. sometimes, I even think that I would rather people not think I am something special. really, though, it is more like I want people to think I am something special, but if they ever say something about it, I don't know what to say. I'm perfectly fine with you complimenting my dress, or my bracelet, or my hair; I'm great at accepting those compliments. but I never know what to say when people give me a serious compliment, it's like all of a sudden I feel this really deep desire to give them some great, serious compliment too, so I start focusing on that and then I sort of just freeze until I think of something to say. that makes it sound worse than it is, but you get the picture.
okay, back to being nervous. sometimes I just feel like I am surrounded by all these great people and I really have nothing of any value to share. sometimes I feel like everyone else knows each other, and I'm the new kid (sometimes that's true). sometimes I worry that I'm going to say something wrong and people will realize I'm not who I appear to be, that I don't have it all together, that I'm not artsy or brilliant or smooth. sometimes I forget that it would maybe be one of the greatest things ever if we all realized that no one has it all together. so I find myself getting that little anxious feeling, you know where your heart is beating maybe a tiny bit fast (not a lot) and your stomach is unsettled a bit and you just know that if you were to be forced to stand on your tip-toes, your calf muscles would quiver a bit. that's me all too often the last few days. and, well, I'm sick of it. there is no need for it. but it's not exactly like I can wag my finger at my nerves and say, "hey, you, stop freaking out please." or believe me, I would. I know all the tiny little anxiety issues I've had throughout my life have been little lessons, teaching me to rely more on Christ. but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I know, I know, He wants me to depend on Him for acceptance and being liked and seen as something special and all that jazz. so, I guess I'll take these little lessons one at a time, and try to learn from them, so I can stop being such a mess sometimes. but I feel like this is the way Christ likes me best, with all my messes and my problems that seem to have no solution and my faults and failures. because out of this chaos, He creates beauty.
I'm scared.
there, I said it. it's out there and I can't take it back. and it's completely true. I am scared. most of my fear is caused by people. don't take that the wrong way, I truly love people. I love my family and friends, I love meeting new people, I love being around big groups of people. but they make me nervous sometimes. I think it is because I am constantly worrying about what they think. it's terrible, I know. I shouldn't care. and it isn't really that I care, it's more that I just wonder. the semester just started and so that has brought a lot of brand new people into my life, mixed in with the old ones, and I'm alone for really the first time in my life because my family moved to a different state over the break, and sometimes in my head I'm still that awkward high school girl who isn't, you know, really a superstar or anything special like that. I'm still awkward, of course, but I used to just think I was kind of boring, a bit of a plain jane, that there was nothing really special about me. since then I've realized that there's something special about everyone, everyone's different and important because they bring something special to the table. I think it was because I was always into a whole lot of different things, and I was never exceptional at any of them that I felt this way. but I think that is my "thing". (you know, everyone's got their "thing", right?) I am quite multi-faceted. I mean everyone's multi-faceted, but really. I love to run and eat and write, and the only thing I'm really, really good at out of the three is eating; I act like a 5 year old most of the time, but I love talking about life problems and giving advice as best I can; I wear running shorts and massive t-shirts almost all the time, but I seriously love fashion; I am a scholar, I am an artist, I am a woman; I love, love, love people, but I'm more shy than I wish I was. I used to think all this meant that I didn't really have a "thing" and that I needed to find one. which, I guess, is why I started running track in junior year, and why I got obsessed with my grades for a little bit because I thought they weren't good enough, and why I started painting canvases, and sort of (probably subconsciously) why I started this blog. but all of those pursuits only made me realize that I love them all. so here I am: a college kid, a sorority woman, who is a little wiser, a little sillier, and certainly a lot more comfortable with herself.
all of that, really, was to point out the lack of logic in my next dissertation. why, then, am I so easily unnerved by people? I try to justify it by blaming it on the fact that out of all the things in this world, I hold people dearest. but that is an excuse. I am so easily unnerved by people (sometimes) because I worry too much about what they think about me. it's true. and while I would never change something about myself because of someone's opinion, I often find myself believing that my chief end is to be liked. I don't like being singled out. I don't like not having anyone to talk to. sometimes, I even think that I would rather people not think I am something special. really, though, it is more like I want people to think I am something special, but if they ever say something about it, I don't know what to say. I'm perfectly fine with you complimenting my dress, or my bracelet, or my hair; I'm great at accepting those compliments. but I never know what to say when people give me a serious compliment, it's like all of a sudden I feel this really deep desire to give them some great, serious compliment too, so I start focusing on that and then I sort of just freeze until I think of something to say. that makes it sound worse than it is, but you get the picture.
okay, back to being nervous. sometimes I just feel like I am surrounded by all these great people and I really have nothing of any value to share. sometimes I feel like everyone else knows each other, and I'm the new kid (sometimes that's true). sometimes I worry that I'm going to say something wrong and people will realize I'm not who I appear to be, that I don't have it all together, that I'm not artsy or brilliant or smooth. sometimes I forget that it would maybe be one of the greatest things ever if we all realized that no one has it all together. so I find myself getting that little anxious feeling, you know where your heart is beating maybe a tiny bit fast (not a lot) and your stomach is unsettled a bit and you just know that if you were to be forced to stand on your tip-toes, your calf muscles would quiver a bit. that's me all too often the last few days. and, well, I'm sick of it. there is no need for it. but it's not exactly like I can wag my finger at my nerves and say, "hey, you, stop freaking out please." or believe me, I would. I know all the tiny little anxiety issues I've had throughout my life have been little lessons, teaching me to rely more on Christ. but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I know, I know, He wants me to depend on Him for acceptance and being liked and seen as something special and all that jazz. so, I guess I'll take these little lessons one at a time, and try to learn from them, so I can stop being such a mess sometimes. but I feel like this is the way Christ likes me best, with all my messes and my problems that seem to have no solution and my faults and failures. because out of this chaos, He creates beauty.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
creative bit: sick
Sick of doing things I despise, just to get by.
Sick of being pushed into a corner.
Sick of never getting what I want.
Sick of watching the world fly by while I remain stationary.
Sick of not participating because I am too busy surviving.
Sick of repeating my own poor-girl manifesto as I wait for life to start.
I force my body to rise from my concrete floor-chair, joints popping, and cross to the dirty window in my apartment. Wiping a hand across it, I make a clear line through the grime and peer outside. I see the dirt under my own fingernails, but choose to look past them and see instead the endless expanse of bright blue sky, the warm rays of the June sun, a cloud shaped like an elephant, a free-spirited sparrow soaring, the vibrant life in the Manhattan street below. These things present themselves to me in slow-motion, like hearing, seeing, and tasting present themselves to a newborn. Something swells up inside of me, I feel the waves of it lapping against my rib cage, dying to be set free. Action? Intention? The feeling of being fully alive? I become dizzy with it, whatever it is. I am sweetly intoxicated. The light intensifies, colors come to life. I am cognizant of another reality, existing secretly just beneath the surface of what I thought was truth. I store all these things in my memory, to have something to pull out in the dark days to come.
Life will never be the same.
Sick of being pushed into a corner.
Sick of never getting what I want.
Sick of watching the world fly by while I remain stationary.
Sick of not participating because I am too busy surviving.
Sick of repeating my own poor-girl manifesto as I wait for life to start.
I force my body to rise from my concrete floor-chair, joints popping, and cross to the dirty window in my apartment. Wiping a hand across it, I make a clear line through the grime and peer outside. I see the dirt under my own fingernails, but choose to look past them and see instead the endless expanse of bright blue sky, the warm rays of the June sun, a cloud shaped like an elephant, a free-spirited sparrow soaring, the vibrant life in the Manhattan street below. These things present themselves to me in slow-motion, like hearing, seeing, and tasting present themselves to a newborn. Something swells up inside of me, I feel the waves of it lapping against my rib cage, dying to be set free. Action? Intention? The feeling of being fully alive? I become dizzy with it, whatever it is. I am sweetly intoxicated. The light intensifies, colors come to life. I am cognizant of another reality, existing secretly just beneath the surface of what I thought was truth. I store all these things in my memory, to have something to pull out in the dark days to come.
Life will never be the same.
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