scared

it has been far too long since I wrote last. I completely lost all will to write - I suppose you call that creativity - for some really, really crazy days. but, what do you know, that little spark found it's way to me again...at 1 o'clock in the morning (as per the usual).  and even though I have class tomorrow morning and reading that I really must be doing for my english class, I can't fight it because I've got something to say.

I'm scared.

there, I said it.  it's out there and I can't take it back.  and it's completely true.  I am scared.  most of my fear is caused by people.  don't take that the wrong way, I truly love people.  I love my family and friends, I love meeting new people, I love being around big groups of people.  but they make me nervous sometimes.  I think it is because I am constantly worrying about what they think.  it's terrible, I know.  I shouldn't care.  and it isn't really that I care, it's more that I just wonder.  the semester just started and so that has brought a lot of brand new people into my life, mixed in with the old ones, and I'm alone for really the first time in my life because my family moved to a different state over the break, and sometimes in my head I'm still that awkward high school girl who isn't, you know, really a superstar or anything special like that.  I'm still awkward, of course, but I used to just think I was kind of boring, a bit of a plain jane, that there was nothing really special about me.  since then I've realized that there's something special about everyone, everyone's different and important because they bring something special to the table.  I think it was because I was always into a whole lot of different things, and I was never exceptional at any of them that I felt this way.  but I think that is my "thing".  (you know, everyone's got their "thing", right?)  I am quite multi-faceted.  I mean everyone's multi-faceted, but really.  I love to run and eat and write, and the only thing I'm really, really good at out of the three is eating; I act like a 5 year old most of the time, but I love talking about life problems and giving advice as best I can; I wear running shorts and massive t-shirts almost all the time, but I seriously love fashion; I am a scholar, I am an artist, I am a woman; I love, love, love people, but I'm more shy than I wish I was.  I used to think all this meant that I didn't really have a "thing" and that I needed to find one.  which, I guess, is why I started running track in junior year, and why I got obsessed with my grades for a little bit because I thought they weren't good enough, and why I started painting canvases, and sort of (probably subconsciously) why I started this blog.  but all of those pursuits only made me realize that I love them all.  so here I am: a college kid, a sorority woman, who is a little wiser, a little sillier, and certainly a lot more comfortable with herself. 

all of that, really, was to point out the lack of logic in my next dissertation. why, then, am I so easily unnerved by people?  I try to justify it by blaming it on the fact that out of all the things in this world, I hold people dearest.  but that is an excuse.  I am so easily unnerved by people (sometimes) because I worry too much about what they think about me.  it's true.  and while I would never change something about myself because of someone's opinion, I often find myself believing that my chief end is to be liked.  I don't like being singled out.  I don't like not having anyone to talk to.  sometimes, I even think that I would rather people not think I am something special.  really, though, it is more like I want people to think I am something special, but if they ever say something about it, I don't know what to say.  I'm perfectly fine with you complimenting my dress, or my bracelet, or my hair; I'm great at accepting those compliments.  but I never know what to say when people give me a serious compliment, it's like all of a sudden I feel this really deep desire to give them some great, serious compliment too, so I start focusing on that and then I sort of just freeze until I think of something to say.  that makes it sound worse than it is, but you get the picture. 

okay, back to being nervous.  sometimes I just feel like I am surrounded by all these great people and I really have nothing of any value to share.  sometimes I feel like everyone else knows each other, and I'm the new kid (sometimes that's true).  sometimes I worry that I'm going to say something wrong and people will realize I'm not who I appear to be, that I don't have it all together, that I'm not artsy or brilliant or smooth.  sometimes I forget that it would maybe be one of the greatest things ever if we all realized that no one has it all together.  so I find myself getting that little anxious feeling, you know where your heart is beating maybe a tiny bit fast (not a lot) and your stomach is unsettled a bit and you just know that if you were to be forced to stand on your tip-toes, your calf muscles would quiver a bit.  that's me all too often the last few days.  and, well, I'm sick of it.  there is no need for it.  but it's not exactly like I can wag my finger at my nerves and say, "hey, you, stop freaking out please."  or believe me, I would.  I know all the tiny little anxiety issues I've had throughout my life have been little lessons, teaching me to rely more on Christ.  but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with.  I know, I know, He wants me to depend on Him for acceptance and being liked and seen as something special and all that jazz.  so, I guess I'll take these little lessons one at a time, and try to learn from them, so I can stop being such a mess sometimes.  but I feel like this is the way Christ likes me best, with all my messes and my problems that seem to have no solution and my faults and failures.  because out of this chaos, He creates beauty.