basics.

I am scared of rules. I am scared of expectations. I am scared of work and demands and responsibility and school. I don’t know what I want to do with my life because I am lazy and because I am afraid that if I start off in a direction I’ll end up deciding I don’t want to do it anymore and then I will have wasted time and it will be too late.  I am scared of people depending on me for things.  I am scared of structure and discipline and the cold reality of business. I am scared that one day I will revert back to the same person I used to be.  I am scared of not using up every single drop of life I’m given.  I am scared one day I’ll get sick of feeling vulnerable and I’ll close up and stop shining the love of Christ out of my very visible cracks.

I just want to make art and be around people.  I want to learn things from everyone around me.  I want to make a little more beauty in the world.  I want warmth and buzzing activity and creativity and good stories.  I don’t want to be stuck in any one career or job sector or place.  I want to foster community and creativity and raw honesty.  I want to be young forever, but I also want to get old.  I want a family and a home and people who become a part of me.  I want to see the beauty and love of Christ in everything – in the hills, the sunrises, in laughter, in tears, in the stories of rad people.  I want to live a life so full that it overflows and drips over the side of the cup, runs down, floods everything.  I want to run in a thousand different directions all at once.  I want brightness and authenticity and redemption and beauty and justice to be my way of living.