So I got a new Bible last summer. Right around a year ago. It was right before I started college, and I had decided that it was high time for a new one for a couple reasons. One was that I wanted a new translation (ESV is offcially my favorite and will remain so), another that I wanted a prettier Bible, and the main reason was that I wanted something new to explore. I had marked so many passages in my old Bible that I found myself repeatedly turning to those, and only those, that I had marked. I figured that if I got a new one, I would find new passages, mark new verses; it would freshen things up. I've found that in the last year since I got a new Bible, it has seen much less activity. Tonight I flipped through my old Bible and found that it had been well-loved. It has water damage from being toted around, lies flat when opened because it was so often used, and has scores of passages hastily marked with anything I could find - pens, markers, even colored pencil. The condition of the new Bible stands in stark contrast to this. The binding is still sturdy, the pages unwrinkled because they haven't been touched much, the few marked passages highlighted very precisely. In the last year I have lost my interest in, my love for, the Word of God. I have been too busy to earnestly seek my Lord through the words inspired by the Spirit. It is a tragedy encountered by far too many college students. My prayer is that I will find my first Love again.
Decisions...I hate them. Or I've come to hate them at least. It wouldn't be so bad if decisions were free-standing; you know, if all that mattered was your yes or no. But so many things go into a decision, there are so many factors, so many possible outcomes, so much potential for someone to get hurt or offended. If you are a part of any kind of community, family or friends (or both), you cannot make a decision based solely on yourself. You must always take into account the way it will affect those you love. And that is where things get complicated. Sometimes your community won't even allow you to make the decision on your own, which can be a blessing and a curse. I am currently right in the midst of a (somewhat) big life decision, and I keep finding myself simply wanting it to be over. No matter which way it goes, I just want the matter to be settled. I mean of course I have a preference, but the limbo I'm currently in until everything is worked out is making me go crazy. Here ends my ramble about my beliefs on decisions. Updates to come.
So I have this notebook that has all manner of random things in it: grocery lists, scores of pro/con lists, a bucket list, prayers and answers. It was given to me a few years ago by my best friend, and I love going back through it every now and then. Tonight's find was a page that I had written of things I heard from God during prayer while I was on a mission trip last summer. You can say God doesn't speak anymore all you want, but our God is a living God, and He speaks. This is what He said to me that night:
"You are to love. You love to love people, so do it for Me. Learn to enjoy loving the hard-to-love, for they are Mine as well. This is what I have called you to do, this is your mission. My Love is the light that shines through the cracks in you, it is what brings together the broken pieces of you and glues them together into a beautiful mosaic. It binds up your wounds, gives you healing and peace, reassures you. Let it speak to you, take it for yourself and then give it to others. This is what I have created you for.
Your mind is a beatiful thing. I know it well - I created it. My hands molded it together, made it unique, original. It is vibrant, full of life, incredibly active. Yet in its activity, do not let it wander to fears of the unknown and uncertain. Let it not make its life down in the 'misty lowlands' that are not of Me, the places that are full of fear, worry, and self-reliance, the places that hide My face from you. Instead, lift your mind up to Me and let Me take you to the higher places, where you walk hand-in-hand with Me. Here you will see life as I meant for it to be, where things are more beautiful because you can see Me in them, where all people deserve to be loved with My love. Here your mind will be even brighter, more vibrant, active in a good way because you will be thinking of the things of Me, not afraid of the future or what you don't have because you will know that I am providing for you." I need to read this daily.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
repost: frail
This is a poem I wrote and posted almost a year ago. I just rediscovered it and realized how fitting it is for this time in my life. And personally, I kind of like it.
A frail thing am I,
Fraught, I am, with selfish desire,
Uncertainty, and pride.
With greedy aspirations have I fashioned my own funeral pyre -
But with His graceful hand has He turned the tide.
Frail though I am,
He sought me, pursued me,
Never yielding, though I ran and ran.
I fought, but my body gave out, my legs grew weary.
And I collapsed, bone-tired, into His strong, waiting arms -
And never was the same.
A frail thing am I,
Fraught, I am, with selfish desire,
Uncertainty, and pride.
With greedy aspirations have I fashioned my own funeral pyre -
But with His graceful hand has He turned the tide.
Frail though I am,
He sought me, pursued me,
Never yielding, though I ran and ran.
I fought, but my body gave out, my legs grew weary.
And I collapsed, bone-tired, into His strong, waiting arms -
And never was the same.
Monday, May 9, 2011
mistakes
"Don't be so hard on yourself. I can bring good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration. Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me. Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.
Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes. Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride. Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust me, and watch to see what I will do."
Jesus Calling, May 9
How fitting that this would be the Jesus Calling devotion for today, a day that I have spent thinking and talking about all of the many mistakes I've made over the last semester and their consequences. And there have been a lot of them. I have done a lot of things that are very un-me. I am incredibly stubborn and hardheaded, and there were some lessons that I needed to learn. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have begun to see this past semester for what it was and just how much I had gotten away from myself. I have done a lot of stupid things, it's true. But for all my mistakes, I know that God is still molding my life into a piece of art that reflects His glory. And that's all that matters in the end.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
time
so it's nearly 5 am. if you know me at all, or have ever read this blog before, this should not surprise you one bit. what might, however, surprise you is the fact that it has been nearly an entire two months since I wrote last. and I don't mean just on this blog. I mean at all. I haven't written a creative word in basically two months. and I love writing. but there are a lot of things that go into writing - whether it's just your thoughts or a creative piece. and there is a certain motivation that has to accompany a writer when she sits down to write. and if it isn't there, absolutely nothing will happen. she will just stare at her computer screen or the page in her notebook until she begins to feel bad about herself and her lack of creativity and eventually she will turn her attention to something else, in order to make herself feel a little better. and then, weeks later, she will remember that she is a writer, and she has things to say. so she will write them.
I suppose I must give a disclaimer and warn you that there is nothing new under the sun. I am about to proceed to write about the same things that I always write about. but, of course, it will come out differently. commencing...now.
I lost her. you know, that girl that thinks deep thoughts, and loves God, and likes to write. she kind of disappeared for a bit. I think I chased her away. but it's the middle of the night and she's been MIA for awhile now, and I'm realizing how much I miss her. but, you say, if you want her back, why don't you just go find her? my response is two-fold: 1. touche and 2. it's simply not that easy. you see, I'm not sure if she's gone forever. she may have been replaced with a much less cool version of herself. however, I like to believe she's still out there and I just have to wait around a bit. believe me, if I thought there was something I could do to magically make her resume her role, I would do it in a hearbeat. but these things take time. motivation is sufficient for now I suppose. she's coming back bit by bit. hopefully we'll see her back in her prime pretty soon here. otherwise...the world will be stuck with the not-as-cool girl. she'll be back though, I know it. it just takes time.
"Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to "receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let me fill you up with My presence: I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for me. Faltering steps of dependence are not a lack of faith; they are links to My presence."
-Jesus Calling for April 27
I suppose I must give a disclaimer and warn you that there is nothing new under the sun. I am about to proceed to write about the same things that I always write about. but, of course, it will come out differently. commencing...now.
I lost her. you know, that girl that thinks deep thoughts, and loves God, and likes to write. she kind of disappeared for a bit. I think I chased her away. but it's the middle of the night and she's been MIA for awhile now, and I'm realizing how much I miss her. but, you say, if you want her back, why don't you just go find her? my response is two-fold: 1. touche and 2. it's simply not that easy. you see, I'm not sure if she's gone forever. she may have been replaced with a much less cool version of herself. however, I like to believe she's still out there and I just have to wait around a bit. believe me, if I thought there was something I could do to magically make her resume her role, I would do it in a hearbeat. but these things take time. motivation is sufficient for now I suppose. she's coming back bit by bit. hopefully we'll see her back in her prime pretty soon here. otherwise...the world will be stuck with the not-as-cool girl. she'll be back though, I know it. it just takes time.
"Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to "receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let me fill you up with My presence: I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for me. Faltering steps of dependence are not a lack of faith; they are links to My presence."
-Jesus Calling for April 27
Monday, March 7, 2011
yoga, world, peace, sanity
"find your center"
"quiet your mind"
"focus inward"
these are the sorts of things my yoga instructor tells us as she walks among the twenty or so yoga mats during class. these are the things that become a huge hurdle for a girl who is always wondering what is going to happen later tonight or tomorrow or in a month, a girl who is always trying to figure out how she feels, a girl whose thoughts change direction about as quickly and as often as the amount on the national debt clock goes up. for me, yoga is a challenge both mentally and physically. the physical challenge is fun because each class I notice that I can get a little bit deeper into the positions. the mental challenge is...frustrating. I want to be able to turn my brain off. I want to be able to meditate on God. I want to be able to just focus on my breathing and let my spirit have some chill time. but it is seriously so hard. I'm continually fighting myself throughout class to get back on track. it never lasts. but when I do achieve quietness for just a few minutes, it is a beautiful thing. and the challenge and frustration is totally worth those few minutes of inner peace.
these are some of the things I like best about yoga:
1. there is no one to talk to. talking is strictly forbidden. and while my friend and I will sneak glances at each other or make sound effects when we're trying a new posture, I still feel like I'm alone. but it's the good kind of solitude. the kind everybody needs every now and then.
2. there is no one to impress - in my class at least. I'm in a beginner class, so everyone (except this one girl who seriously rocks at yoga) looks equally ridiculous when we do new postures.
3. I control it. the instructor tells us what poses to do when and reminds us to breathe and focus, but I control how far I take a posture, I control how deep inside myself I go.
4. as trippy as it may sound, I feel like I'm a tiny but vital part of this huge, beautiful world when I practice yoga. to be cliche, I feel one with the world. cynics make fun of people who say those sorts of things, but if you're a cynic, you should know that you're missing out on a pretty fabulous feeling.
5. yoga is all about balance. but it's bigger than just being able to keep yourself up. it's about balance within and without. balance in your mind, balance between your spirit and your body, balance on your legs (or arms, or head), balance in your spiritual life. I am a very, very unbalanced woman, so I'm attracted to this concept of balance. it's something I'm working on.
6. I walk out of every class feeling energized and fresh and at peace. I'm awakened to the brightness of the sun and the breeze that plays with my hair and the goodness of life. I'm able to take my mind off of my problems and the things I have to get done and just enjoy what I've been given, the beautiful world I live in, the fabulous people in my life, the love God shows me every minute through all these things. it's definitely one of the best feelings ever.
life is going by at this insane speed. I feel sometimes like I'm just standing there and people, places, activities, they're all rushing past me. I look down at my feet for a second and look right back up and a month has passed by. yoga makes me slow down, makes my whole world slow down, for at least the hour and a half that I'm in class. it makes me realize how beautiful and important each tiny thing is - each minute, each day, each person, each life. yoga lends sanity to a very crazy life.
"quiet your mind"
"focus inward"
these are the sorts of things my yoga instructor tells us as she walks among the twenty or so yoga mats during class. these are the things that become a huge hurdle for a girl who is always wondering what is going to happen later tonight or tomorrow or in a month, a girl who is always trying to figure out how she feels, a girl whose thoughts change direction about as quickly and as often as the amount on the national debt clock goes up. for me, yoga is a challenge both mentally and physically. the physical challenge is fun because each class I notice that I can get a little bit deeper into the positions. the mental challenge is...frustrating. I want to be able to turn my brain off. I want to be able to meditate on God. I want to be able to just focus on my breathing and let my spirit have some chill time. but it is seriously so hard. I'm continually fighting myself throughout class to get back on track. it never lasts. but when I do achieve quietness for just a few minutes, it is a beautiful thing. and the challenge and frustration is totally worth those few minutes of inner peace.
these are some of the things I like best about yoga:
1. there is no one to talk to. talking is strictly forbidden. and while my friend and I will sneak glances at each other or make sound effects when we're trying a new posture, I still feel like I'm alone. but it's the good kind of solitude. the kind everybody needs every now and then.
2. there is no one to impress - in my class at least. I'm in a beginner class, so everyone (except this one girl who seriously rocks at yoga) looks equally ridiculous when we do new postures.
3. I control it. the instructor tells us what poses to do when and reminds us to breathe and focus, but I control how far I take a posture, I control how deep inside myself I go.
4. as trippy as it may sound, I feel like I'm a tiny but vital part of this huge, beautiful world when I practice yoga. to be cliche, I feel one with the world. cynics make fun of people who say those sorts of things, but if you're a cynic, you should know that you're missing out on a pretty fabulous feeling.
5. yoga is all about balance. but it's bigger than just being able to keep yourself up. it's about balance within and without. balance in your mind, balance between your spirit and your body, balance on your legs (or arms, or head), balance in your spiritual life. I am a very, very unbalanced woman, so I'm attracted to this concept of balance. it's something I'm working on.
6. I walk out of every class feeling energized and fresh and at peace. I'm awakened to the brightness of the sun and the breeze that plays with my hair and the goodness of life. I'm able to take my mind off of my problems and the things I have to get done and just enjoy what I've been given, the beautiful world I live in, the fabulous people in my life, the love God shows me every minute through all these things. it's definitely one of the best feelings ever.
life is going by at this insane speed. I feel sometimes like I'm just standing there and people, places, activities, they're all rushing past me. I look down at my feet for a second and look right back up and a month has passed by. yoga makes me slow down, makes my whole world slow down, for at least the hour and a half that I'm in class. it makes me realize how beautiful and important each tiny thing is - each minute, each day, each person, each life. yoga lends sanity to a very crazy life.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
down time
so I'm home for spring break. roughly translated, this means the first bit of down time I've had since I got back to school in January. down time equals sleeping for thirteen hours at a time, eating exorbitant amounts of food, making a trip to barnes & noble, and thinking about the fact that I haven't written a creative word in like a month. that is terrible. so, to get myself back into the swing of things, I decided to write a short, fun post. I don't do many of those, so I figure this is a good way to test the waters before I jump back in. so I'll sit back and listen to Harry Connick Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald and the like (because I can) and write a bit about myself.
I love to eat good food. and I love eating in funky environments. local places are the absolute BEST. my family just moved to austin, texas and I think my favorite thing has been trying out all these eclectic, little austinite food joints. the people are chill and cool, the decor is funky, and the food...is so, so good.
I love witty people. I think it is because I wish I was witty, so I enjoy getting to witness truly witty people being witty. and I like to laugh, and witty people like being laughed at.
I don't like acting like a grown up. but I like dressing like one.
I love emotions. I think they are beautiful. and I think it is important to feel them. I think that is the one bit of advice I find myself giving over and over again, embrace your emotions, good and bad. because emotion, to me, means passion. and where would we be without passion? think about all the passionate people you know of. what would this world be missing out on if they were content with apathetically sitting on their couches, oblivious to what was going on outside their houses? movements begin with one person. but that one person has to have a dream, a desire to do something. I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who aren't predisposed to feel the same way. we all have to come to terms with ourselves and our emotions are a huge part of who we are.
yoga is my most favorite recent discovery. I'm currently taking a class and getting course credit for it and I have fallen in love. I remember all the things I read about yoga and its spiritual implications and all that jazz, but you really can't understand it until you do it. there is just something about quieting my mind for an hour and a half, focusing on who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm even on this earth. you can make yoga as spiritual or physical as you want. I prefer a perfect blend of the two - I put my mind to work meditating on Christ (as much as I can make myself focus, which is a huge feat for my short attention span and overactive brain) and I put my body to work practicing postures, digging deeper each day, seeing how far I can take a posture, depending on my core to keep me up. it's really fun and challenging. I walk out of each class with this invigorating sort of peace, it's like being at peace, but at the same time being energized and ready to do something. I like it a lot.
ehh, I think that's enough for tonight. goodnight, world.
I love to eat good food. and I love eating in funky environments. local places are the absolute BEST. my family just moved to austin, texas and I think my favorite thing has been trying out all these eclectic, little austinite food joints. the people are chill and cool, the decor is funky, and the food...is so, so good.
I love witty people. I think it is because I wish I was witty, so I enjoy getting to witness truly witty people being witty. and I like to laugh, and witty people like being laughed at.
I don't like acting like a grown up. but I like dressing like one.
I love emotions. I think they are beautiful. and I think it is important to feel them. I think that is the one bit of advice I find myself giving over and over again, embrace your emotions, good and bad. because emotion, to me, means passion. and where would we be without passion? think about all the passionate people you know of. what would this world be missing out on if they were content with apathetically sitting on their couches, oblivious to what was going on outside their houses? movements begin with one person. but that one person has to have a dream, a desire to do something. I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who aren't predisposed to feel the same way. we all have to come to terms with ourselves and our emotions are a huge part of who we are.
yoga is my most favorite recent discovery. I'm currently taking a class and getting course credit for it and I have fallen in love. I remember all the things I read about yoga and its spiritual implications and all that jazz, but you really can't understand it until you do it. there is just something about quieting my mind for an hour and a half, focusing on who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm even on this earth. you can make yoga as spiritual or physical as you want. I prefer a perfect blend of the two - I put my mind to work meditating on Christ (as much as I can make myself focus, which is a huge feat for my short attention span and overactive brain) and I put my body to work practicing postures, digging deeper each day, seeing how far I can take a posture, depending on my core to keep me up. it's really fun and challenging. I walk out of each class with this invigorating sort of peace, it's like being at peace, but at the same time being energized and ready to do something. I like it a lot.
ehh, I think that's enough for tonight. goodnight, world.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
perfect
"It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable. But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love. We could just live our normal, day-to-day lives, saving all the good living up for someday, but I think today, just plain today, is worth it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
I cannot tell you how much this quote fits into my life at the moment. my life is currently in a state of war, a battle between letting all the things that aren't perfect affect my outlook, making me frustrated and dissatisfied, and choosing to look past all those imperfect things and see the beautiful life I have been given. this week has been a long one in so many ways and there are a lot of things that I let get to me, let scratch at my brain until my unhappiness covered me like grime on a window. it distorted my view and blocked out the sun that was shining outside. it's a long story, one that I'm not going to go into, because it isn't the point. what is the point is that I let it all affect me, and what a mess it left. it's a struggle to write at the moment because of this battle, but I think by the end of this post, it will all be spilling out as usual.
we all have these ideas of what our life would be like if it were perfect. if we were just a little bit prettier or smarter, or we had more friends, or if we were dating that one guy, instead of just being one of his best friends. and we forget that the lives we have are perfect. not because nothing is wrong, but because they are the lives that we have, the lives we are meant to be living right now. true perfection does not exist in our world, only in the next. but I like to define perfection as it is in our world as the chaotic, messy, beautiful state that things are at their core. perfection to me is the deepest bit of your soul, the bit you try not to show people, but the bit that comes out when life hits hard, when you feel pure emotion, when you're in love, when you get sick of keeping up appearances and open up that little bird cage inside of you and let yourself out. perfection to me is life not going the way you want it to in your head, is improvising, is taking chances, is seeing beauty in the imperfection. perfection is refusing to pretend, but singing in the face of heartbreak, laughing in the face of fear, dancing in the face of grief.
because life will go on until it's over. doesn't that sound so obvious, so incredibly evident? I forget it all the time. we all do. we all act as if our lives will end if we don't get the job or the guy or the dress. but they won't. they'll just change. we'll find a different job, marry a different guy, buy a cheaper dress that our friends will still compliment incessantly. and that will be the way things were supposed to be all along, we just couldn't see it in the midst of our disappointment. that will be perfection. and our God is trying to tell us that each and every day. "I want to say, 'What can I do today that brings more beauty, more energy, more hope?' Because it seems like that's what God is saying to us, over and over. 'What can I do today to remind you again how good life is? You think the color of the sky is good now, wait till sunset. You think oranges are good? Try a tangerine.' He's a crazy delightful mad scientist and keeps coming back from the lab with great, unbelievable new things, and it's a gift. It's a gift to be a part of it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines.
I cannot tell you how much this quote fits into my life at the moment. my life is currently in a state of war, a battle between letting all the things that aren't perfect affect my outlook, making me frustrated and dissatisfied, and choosing to look past all those imperfect things and see the beautiful life I have been given. this week has been a long one in so many ways and there are a lot of things that I let get to me, let scratch at my brain until my unhappiness covered me like grime on a window. it distorted my view and blocked out the sun that was shining outside. it's a long story, one that I'm not going to go into, because it isn't the point. what is the point is that I let it all affect me, and what a mess it left. it's a struggle to write at the moment because of this battle, but I think by the end of this post, it will all be spilling out as usual.
we all have these ideas of what our life would be like if it were perfect. if we were just a little bit prettier or smarter, or we had more friends, or if we were dating that one guy, instead of just being one of his best friends. and we forget that the lives we have are perfect. not because nothing is wrong, but because they are the lives that we have, the lives we are meant to be living right now. true perfection does not exist in our world, only in the next. but I like to define perfection as it is in our world as the chaotic, messy, beautiful state that things are at their core. perfection to me is the deepest bit of your soul, the bit you try not to show people, but the bit that comes out when life hits hard, when you feel pure emotion, when you're in love, when you get sick of keeping up appearances and open up that little bird cage inside of you and let yourself out. perfection to me is life not going the way you want it to in your head, is improvising, is taking chances, is seeing beauty in the imperfection. perfection is refusing to pretend, but singing in the face of heartbreak, laughing in the face of fear, dancing in the face of grief.
because life will go on until it's over. doesn't that sound so obvious, so incredibly evident? I forget it all the time. we all do. we all act as if our lives will end if we don't get the job or the guy or the dress. but they won't. they'll just change. we'll find a different job, marry a different guy, buy a cheaper dress that our friends will still compliment incessantly. and that will be the way things were supposed to be all along, we just couldn't see it in the midst of our disappointment. that will be perfection. and our God is trying to tell us that each and every day. "I want to say, 'What can I do today that brings more beauty, more energy, more hope?' Because it seems like that's what God is saying to us, over and over. 'What can I do today to remind you again how good life is? You think the color of the sky is good now, wait till sunset. You think oranges are good? Try a tangerine.' He's a crazy delightful mad scientist and keeps coming back from the lab with great, unbelievable new things, and it's a gift. It's a gift to be a part of it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines.
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