"find your center"
"quiet your mind"
"focus inward"
these are the sorts of things my yoga instructor tells us as she walks among the twenty or so yoga mats during class. these are the things that become a huge hurdle for a girl who is always wondering what is going to happen later tonight or tomorrow or in a month, a girl who is always trying to figure out how she feels, a girl whose thoughts change direction about as quickly and as often as the amount on the national debt clock goes up. for me, yoga is a challenge both mentally and physically. the physical challenge is fun because each class I notice that I can get a little bit deeper into the positions. the mental challenge is...frustrating. I want to be able to turn my brain off. I want to be able to meditate on God. I want to be able to just focus on my breathing and let my spirit have some chill time. but it is seriously so hard. I'm continually fighting myself throughout class to get back on track. it never lasts. but when I do achieve quietness for just a few minutes, it is a beautiful thing. and the challenge and frustration is totally worth those few minutes of inner peace.
these are some of the things I like best about yoga:
1. there is no one to talk to. talking is strictly forbidden. and while my friend and I will sneak glances at each other or make sound effects when we're trying a new posture, I still feel like I'm alone. but it's the good kind of solitude. the kind everybody needs every now and then.
2. there is no one to impress - in my class at least. I'm in a beginner class, so everyone (except this one girl who seriously rocks at yoga) looks equally ridiculous when we do new postures.
3. I control it. the instructor tells us what poses to do when and reminds us to breathe and focus, but I control how far I take a posture, I control how deep inside myself I go.
4. as trippy as it may sound, I feel like I'm a tiny but vital part of this huge, beautiful world when I practice yoga. to be cliche, I feel one with the world. cynics make fun of people who say those sorts of things, but if you're a cynic, you should know that you're missing out on a pretty fabulous feeling.
5. yoga is all about balance. but it's bigger than just being able to keep yourself up. it's about balance within and without. balance in your mind, balance between your spirit and your body, balance on your legs (or arms, or head), balance in your spiritual life. I am a very, very unbalanced woman, so I'm attracted to this concept of balance. it's something I'm working on.
6. I walk out of every class feeling energized and fresh and at peace. I'm awakened to the brightness of the sun and the breeze that plays with my hair and the goodness of life. I'm able to take my mind off of my problems and the things I have to get done and just enjoy what I've been given, the beautiful world I live in, the fabulous people in my life, the love God shows me every minute through all these things. it's definitely one of the best feelings ever.
life is going by at this insane speed. I feel sometimes like I'm just standing there and people, places, activities, they're all rushing past me. I look down at my feet for a second and look right back up and a month has passed by. yoga makes me slow down, makes my whole world slow down, for at least the hour and a half that I'm in class. it makes me realize how beautiful and important each tiny thing is - each minute, each day, each person, each life. yoga lends sanity to a very crazy life.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
down time
so I'm home for spring break. roughly translated, this means the first bit of down time I've had since I got back to school in January. down time equals sleeping for thirteen hours at a time, eating exorbitant amounts of food, making a trip to barnes & noble, and thinking about the fact that I haven't written a creative word in like a month. that is terrible. so, to get myself back into the swing of things, I decided to write a short, fun post. I don't do many of those, so I figure this is a good way to test the waters before I jump back in. so I'll sit back and listen to Harry Connick Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald and the like (because I can) and write a bit about myself.
I love to eat good food. and I love eating in funky environments. local places are the absolute BEST. my family just moved to austin, texas and I think my favorite thing has been trying out all these eclectic, little austinite food joints. the people are chill and cool, the decor is funky, and the food...is so, so good.
I love witty people. I think it is because I wish I was witty, so I enjoy getting to witness truly witty people being witty. and I like to laugh, and witty people like being laughed at.
I don't like acting like a grown up. but I like dressing like one.
I love emotions. I think they are beautiful. and I think it is important to feel them. I think that is the one bit of advice I find myself giving over and over again, embrace your emotions, good and bad. because emotion, to me, means passion. and where would we be without passion? think about all the passionate people you know of. what would this world be missing out on if they were content with apathetically sitting on their couches, oblivious to what was going on outside their houses? movements begin with one person. but that one person has to have a dream, a desire to do something. I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who aren't predisposed to feel the same way. we all have to come to terms with ourselves and our emotions are a huge part of who we are.
yoga is my most favorite recent discovery. I'm currently taking a class and getting course credit for it and I have fallen in love. I remember all the things I read about yoga and its spiritual implications and all that jazz, but you really can't understand it until you do it. there is just something about quieting my mind for an hour and a half, focusing on who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm even on this earth. you can make yoga as spiritual or physical as you want. I prefer a perfect blend of the two - I put my mind to work meditating on Christ (as much as I can make myself focus, which is a huge feat for my short attention span and overactive brain) and I put my body to work practicing postures, digging deeper each day, seeing how far I can take a posture, depending on my core to keep me up. it's really fun and challenging. I walk out of each class with this invigorating sort of peace, it's like being at peace, but at the same time being energized and ready to do something. I like it a lot.
ehh, I think that's enough for tonight. goodnight, world.
I love to eat good food. and I love eating in funky environments. local places are the absolute BEST. my family just moved to austin, texas and I think my favorite thing has been trying out all these eclectic, little austinite food joints. the people are chill and cool, the decor is funky, and the food...is so, so good.
I love witty people. I think it is because I wish I was witty, so I enjoy getting to witness truly witty people being witty. and I like to laugh, and witty people like being laughed at.
I don't like acting like a grown up. but I like dressing like one.
I love emotions. I think they are beautiful. and I think it is important to feel them. I think that is the one bit of advice I find myself giving over and over again, embrace your emotions, good and bad. because emotion, to me, means passion. and where would we be without passion? think about all the passionate people you know of. what would this world be missing out on if they were content with apathetically sitting on their couches, oblivious to what was going on outside their houses? movements begin with one person. but that one person has to have a dream, a desire to do something. I don't know how to explain how I feel to people who aren't predisposed to feel the same way. we all have to come to terms with ourselves and our emotions are a huge part of who we are.
yoga is my most favorite recent discovery. I'm currently taking a class and getting course credit for it and I have fallen in love. I remember all the things I read about yoga and its spiritual implications and all that jazz, but you really can't understand it until you do it. there is just something about quieting my mind for an hour and a half, focusing on who I am and what I'm doing and why I'm even on this earth. you can make yoga as spiritual or physical as you want. I prefer a perfect blend of the two - I put my mind to work meditating on Christ (as much as I can make myself focus, which is a huge feat for my short attention span and overactive brain) and I put my body to work practicing postures, digging deeper each day, seeing how far I can take a posture, depending on my core to keep me up. it's really fun and challenging. I walk out of each class with this invigorating sort of peace, it's like being at peace, but at the same time being energized and ready to do something. I like it a lot.
ehh, I think that's enough for tonight. goodnight, world.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
perfect
"It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable. But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love. We could just live our normal, day-to-day lives, saving all the good living up for someday, but I think today, just plain today, is worth it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
I cannot tell you how much this quote fits into my life at the moment. my life is currently in a state of war, a battle between letting all the things that aren't perfect affect my outlook, making me frustrated and dissatisfied, and choosing to look past all those imperfect things and see the beautiful life I have been given. this week has been a long one in so many ways and there are a lot of things that I let get to me, let scratch at my brain until my unhappiness covered me like grime on a window. it distorted my view and blocked out the sun that was shining outside. it's a long story, one that I'm not going to go into, because it isn't the point. what is the point is that I let it all affect me, and what a mess it left. it's a struggle to write at the moment because of this battle, but I think by the end of this post, it will all be spilling out as usual.
we all have these ideas of what our life would be like if it were perfect. if we were just a little bit prettier or smarter, or we had more friends, or if we were dating that one guy, instead of just being one of his best friends. and we forget that the lives we have are perfect. not because nothing is wrong, but because they are the lives that we have, the lives we are meant to be living right now. true perfection does not exist in our world, only in the next. but I like to define perfection as it is in our world as the chaotic, messy, beautiful state that things are at their core. perfection to me is the deepest bit of your soul, the bit you try not to show people, but the bit that comes out when life hits hard, when you feel pure emotion, when you're in love, when you get sick of keeping up appearances and open up that little bird cage inside of you and let yourself out. perfection to me is life not going the way you want it to in your head, is improvising, is taking chances, is seeing beauty in the imperfection. perfection is refusing to pretend, but singing in the face of heartbreak, laughing in the face of fear, dancing in the face of grief.
because life will go on until it's over. doesn't that sound so obvious, so incredibly evident? I forget it all the time. we all do. we all act as if our lives will end if we don't get the job or the guy or the dress. but they won't. they'll just change. we'll find a different job, marry a different guy, buy a cheaper dress that our friends will still compliment incessantly. and that will be the way things were supposed to be all along, we just couldn't see it in the midst of our disappointment. that will be perfection. and our God is trying to tell us that each and every day. "I want to say, 'What can I do today that brings more beauty, more energy, more hope?' Because it seems like that's what God is saying to us, over and over. 'What can I do today to remind you again how good life is? You think the color of the sky is good now, wait till sunset. You think oranges are good? Try a tangerine.' He's a crazy delightful mad scientist and keeps coming back from the lab with great, unbelievable new things, and it's a gift. It's a gift to be a part of it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines.
I cannot tell you how much this quote fits into my life at the moment. my life is currently in a state of war, a battle between letting all the things that aren't perfect affect my outlook, making me frustrated and dissatisfied, and choosing to look past all those imperfect things and see the beautiful life I have been given. this week has been a long one in so many ways and there are a lot of things that I let get to me, let scratch at my brain until my unhappiness covered me like grime on a window. it distorted my view and blocked out the sun that was shining outside. it's a long story, one that I'm not going to go into, because it isn't the point. what is the point is that I let it all affect me, and what a mess it left. it's a struggle to write at the moment because of this battle, but I think by the end of this post, it will all be spilling out as usual.
we all have these ideas of what our life would be like if it were perfect. if we were just a little bit prettier or smarter, or we had more friends, or if we were dating that one guy, instead of just being one of his best friends. and we forget that the lives we have are perfect. not because nothing is wrong, but because they are the lives that we have, the lives we are meant to be living right now. true perfection does not exist in our world, only in the next. but I like to define perfection as it is in our world as the chaotic, messy, beautiful state that things are at their core. perfection to me is the deepest bit of your soul, the bit you try not to show people, but the bit that comes out when life hits hard, when you feel pure emotion, when you're in love, when you get sick of keeping up appearances and open up that little bird cage inside of you and let yourself out. perfection to me is life not going the way you want it to in your head, is improvising, is taking chances, is seeing beauty in the imperfection. perfection is refusing to pretend, but singing in the face of heartbreak, laughing in the face of fear, dancing in the face of grief.
because life will go on until it's over. doesn't that sound so obvious, so incredibly evident? I forget it all the time. we all do. we all act as if our lives will end if we don't get the job or the guy or the dress. but they won't. they'll just change. we'll find a different job, marry a different guy, buy a cheaper dress that our friends will still compliment incessantly. and that will be the way things were supposed to be all along, we just couldn't see it in the midst of our disappointment. that will be perfection. and our God is trying to tell us that each and every day. "I want to say, 'What can I do today that brings more beauty, more energy, more hope?' Because it seems like that's what God is saying to us, over and over. 'What can I do today to remind you again how good life is? You think the color of the sky is good now, wait till sunset. You think oranges are good? Try a tangerine.' He's a crazy delightful mad scientist and keeps coming back from the lab with great, unbelievable new things, and it's a gift. It's a gift to be a part of it." -Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines.
Monday, January 24, 2011
chaos theory
today has been one of those rare days that you get in college sometimes - I didn't have to go to the first two of my three monday classes. it was bliss. I had a few extra hours to do absolutely nothing, so what did I do but, like any other college student, pull up my mom's netflix account to watch a movie. I had found this movie called Chaos Theory a few days ago in my netflix browsing. all I needed to know about it was that it starred ryan reynolds and was a romantic comedy. perfect for today. except that it was hardly what I was expecting. seriously, romantic comedy is the entirely wrong genre to throw it in. where do I begin? I suppose by telling you that if you really want to understand any of this post, go watch it. it is well worth your time. (and ladies: ryan reynolds...what more needs to be said?) because I refuse to waste space by explaining to you the plot, here's a good summary: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460745/.
essentially, it was one of those movies that awakens nearly every emotion you have. one of those movies that makes you want to yell at the screen because things aren't going the way you know they should. it made me angry, made me laugh, made me (almost) cry, made me realize the complexity and depth of lfe. at least that's how I felt, anyway. maybe it was just because I was entirely ready to feel all those emotions again, you know, those ones that have been escaping me so much as of late. whatever the reason, I felt them. and it felt so good. there's something about emotions, the way they bind you to the rest of the human race. when I am at a shallow emotion point, I have a hard time relating to people; but when I'm emotionally awake, I can feel other's emotions well again. it's funny what a movie, a movie you expected to be silly and quite nearly pointless, can do to you. but I feel like life is at it's best when it's completely unexpected.
when life is expected, when you act in a premeditated, expected way, there will never be any surprises. that sounds too obvious to write, but that thought rarely occurs to me when I'm living my predictable life. I want to be less predictable, I want to do what I feel is right, not what I've rationalized out and determined to be right. I feel like life is more full when we don't do what everyone assumes we are going to do. the chaotic life is the beautiful life.
today's to do list: be unexpected.
essentially, it was one of those movies that awakens nearly every emotion you have. one of those movies that makes you want to yell at the screen because things aren't going the way you know they should. it made me angry, made me laugh, made me (almost) cry, made me realize the complexity and depth of lfe. at least that's how I felt, anyway. maybe it was just because I was entirely ready to feel all those emotions again, you know, those ones that have been escaping me so much as of late. whatever the reason, I felt them. and it felt so good. there's something about emotions, the way they bind you to the rest of the human race. when I am at a shallow emotion point, I have a hard time relating to people; but when I'm emotionally awake, I can feel other's emotions well again. it's funny what a movie, a movie you expected to be silly and quite nearly pointless, can do to you. but I feel like life is at it's best when it's completely unexpected.
when life is expected, when you act in a premeditated, expected way, there will never be any surprises. that sounds too obvious to write, but that thought rarely occurs to me when I'm living my predictable life. I want to be less predictable, I want to do what I feel is right, not what I've rationalized out and determined to be right. I feel like life is more full when we don't do what everyone assumes we are going to do. the chaotic life is the beautiful life.
today's to do list: be unexpected.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
mess
mess (noun) - a dirty, untidy, or disordered condition
that is probably the best way you could describe my current condition. I mean typically I'm a bit of a mess, but it's worse right now; it's a deeper kind of mess right now. it's 3:24 in the morning. blogspot won't tell you that because my timing is off on my blog. but as I am writing it is nearly halfway between three and four am. and I don't get myself. even before I left texas I was feeling a bit of a disconnect with myself. I don't know if you're familiar with those, but I am well aquainted with them. but now it's like there is a wall there. a wall between the me I show everyone and the me I am underneath it all. and I can't get through to her, the one underneath it all. I've been reading my favorite quotes and my old blog posts and trying to remind myself who I am, but I can't feel it. I'm not in touch with those deep emotions that inspire me to write and love and believe. it's like I know who I am, but I can't feel it. this will either make complete sense to you, or make me sound like a lunatic. take it as you will. perhaps it's that creative gene in me, right? that's what we all tell ourselves to help us sleep at night. but I think it's really more me running from God. and I really don't have a reason to. because when I'm in line with Him, in love with Him, I am perfectly in tune with the woman He created me to be. I feel deeply all the time; I have things to write about; I'm able to see what's going on beneath the surface. but something is keeping me from Him. and I've been analyzing every part of my life trying to figure out what it is. I thought it was maybe something that I wanted to do that I knew wasn't His will for me, but I've stopped wanting those things I used to want so badly. I'm cleaning up in terms of the things that I do. so I don't think it's that. I haven't been reading my Bible much at all lately and I haven't been sleeping at good hours and I'm ten hours away from my family, from the people that know me and understand me and love me anyway, for the first time in my life. but I just can't convince myself that that's it either. the desire to read God's Word is usually a physical manifestation of loving Him and being in tune with Him (for me, at least). it goes deeper than that. and I have no idea where the root of it is. so I don't know what to do about it. I mean there is actually nothing I can really do about it. the only thing I can do is let go and let God sweep me up into His arms and remind me that I'm not alone, on my own. but it is oh so hard to do that. I like my control. I like being able to determine problems and fix them myself. but it is getting harder to keep up this exterior, to keep up appearances, to fake it 'til I make it. I am a mess. but only as a mess can I demonstrate to the rest of the messy world the glory of the God that takes wretches like me and turns them into beautiful masterpieces.
"I wait until my life has become so completely unlivable and the person I am has become so deeply unmoored from reality and hope and goodness, that I break down and pray." - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines. I'm there, God.
that is probably the best way you could describe my current condition. I mean typically I'm a bit of a mess, but it's worse right now; it's a deeper kind of mess right now. it's 3:24 in the morning. blogspot won't tell you that because my timing is off on my blog. but as I am writing it is nearly halfway between three and four am. and I don't get myself. even before I left texas I was feeling a bit of a disconnect with myself. I don't know if you're familiar with those, but I am well aquainted with them. but now it's like there is a wall there. a wall between the me I show everyone and the me I am underneath it all. and I can't get through to her, the one underneath it all. I've been reading my favorite quotes and my old blog posts and trying to remind myself who I am, but I can't feel it. I'm not in touch with those deep emotions that inspire me to write and love and believe. it's like I know who I am, but I can't feel it. this will either make complete sense to you, or make me sound like a lunatic. take it as you will. perhaps it's that creative gene in me, right? that's what we all tell ourselves to help us sleep at night. but I think it's really more me running from God. and I really don't have a reason to. because when I'm in line with Him, in love with Him, I am perfectly in tune with the woman He created me to be. I feel deeply all the time; I have things to write about; I'm able to see what's going on beneath the surface. but something is keeping me from Him. and I've been analyzing every part of my life trying to figure out what it is. I thought it was maybe something that I wanted to do that I knew wasn't His will for me, but I've stopped wanting those things I used to want so badly. I'm cleaning up in terms of the things that I do. so I don't think it's that. I haven't been reading my Bible much at all lately and I haven't been sleeping at good hours and I'm ten hours away from my family, from the people that know me and understand me and love me anyway, for the first time in my life. but I just can't convince myself that that's it either. the desire to read God's Word is usually a physical manifestation of loving Him and being in tune with Him (for me, at least). it goes deeper than that. and I have no idea where the root of it is. so I don't know what to do about it. I mean there is actually nothing I can really do about it. the only thing I can do is let go and let God sweep me up into His arms and remind me that I'm not alone, on my own. but it is oh so hard to do that. I like my control. I like being able to determine problems and fix them myself. but it is getting harder to keep up this exterior, to keep up appearances, to fake it 'til I make it. I am a mess. but only as a mess can I demonstrate to the rest of the messy world the glory of the God that takes wretches like me and turns them into beautiful masterpieces.
"I wait until my life has become so completely unlivable and the person I am has become so deeply unmoored from reality and hope and goodness, that I break down and pray." - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines. I'm there, God.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
scared
it has been far too long since I wrote last. I completely lost all will to write - I suppose you call that creativity - for some really, really crazy days. but, what do you know, that little spark found it's way to me again...at 1 o'clock in the morning (as per the usual). and even though I have class tomorrow morning and reading that I really must be doing for my english class, I can't fight it because I've got something to say.
I'm scared.
there, I said it. it's out there and I can't take it back. and it's completely true. I am scared. most of my fear is caused by people. don't take that the wrong way, I truly love people. I love my family and friends, I love meeting new people, I love being around big groups of people. but they make me nervous sometimes. I think it is because I am constantly worrying about what they think. it's terrible, I know. I shouldn't care. and it isn't really that I care, it's more that I just wonder. the semester just started and so that has brought a lot of brand new people into my life, mixed in with the old ones, and I'm alone for really the first time in my life because my family moved to a different state over the break, and sometimes in my head I'm still that awkward high school girl who isn't, you know, really a superstar or anything special like that. I'm still awkward, of course, but I used to just think I was kind of boring, a bit of a plain jane, that there was nothing really special about me. since then I've realized that there's something special about everyone, everyone's different and important because they bring something special to the table. I think it was because I was always into a whole lot of different things, and I was never exceptional at any of them that I felt this way. but I think that is my "thing". (you know, everyone's got their "thing", right?) I am quite multi-faceted. I mean everyone's multi-faceted, but really. I love to run and eat and write, and the only thing I'm really, really good at out of the three is eating; I act like a 5 year old most of the time, but I love talking about life problems and giving advice as best I can; I wear running shorts and massive t-shirts almost all the time, but I seriously love fashion; I am a scholar, I am an artist, I am a woman; I love, love, love people, but I'm more shy than I wish I was. I used to think all this meant that I didn't really have a "thing" and that I needed to find one. which, I guess, is why I started running track in junior year, and why I got obsessed with my grades for a little bit because I thought they weren't good enough, and why I started painting canvases, and sort of (probably subconsciously) why I started this blog. but all of those pursuits only made me realize that I love them all. so here I am: a college kid, a sorority woman, who is a little wiser, a little sillier, and certainly a lot more comfortable with herself.
all of that, really, was to point out the lack of logic in my next dissertation. why, then, am I so easily unnerved by people? I try to justify it by blaming it on the fact that out of all the things in this world, I hold people dearest. but that is an excuse. I am so easily unnerved by people (sometimes) because I worry too much about what they think about me. it's true. and while I would never change something about myself because of someone's opinion, I often find myself believing that my chief end is to be liked. I don't like being singled out. I don't like not having anyone to talk to. sometimes, I even think that I would rather people not think I am something special. really, though, it is more like I want people to think I am something special, but if they ever say something about it, I don't know what to say. I'm perfectly fine with you complimenting my dress, or my bracelet, or my hair; I'm great at accepting those compliments. but I never know what to say when people give me a serious compliment, it's like all of a sudden I feel this really deep desire to give them some great, serious compliment too, so I start focusing on that and then I sort of just freeze until I think of something to say. that makes it sound worse than it is, but you get the picture.
okay, back to being nervous. sometimes I just feel like I am surrounded by all these great people and I really have nothing of any value to share. sometimes I feel like everyone else knows each other, and I'm the new kid (sometimes that's true). sometimes I worry that I'm going to say something wrong and people will realize I'm not who I appear to be, that I don't have it all together, that I'm not artsy or brilliant or smooth. sometimes I forget that it would maybe be one of the greatest things ever if we all realized that no one has it all together. so I find myself getting that little anxious feeling, you know where your heart is beating maybe a tiny bit fast (not a lot) and your stomach is unsettled a bit and you just know that if you were to be forced to stand on your tip-toes, your calf muscles would quiver a bit. that's me all too often the last few days. and, well, I'm sick of it. there is no need for it. but it's not exactly like I can wag my finger at my nerves and say, "hey, you, stop freaking out please." or believe me, I would. I know all the tiny little anxiety issues I've had throughout my life have been little lessons, teaching me to rely more on Christ. but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I know, I know, He wants me to depend on Him for acceptance and being liked and seen as something special and all that jazz. so, I guess I'll take these little lessons one at a time, and try to learn from them, so I can stop being such a mess sometimes. but I feel like this is the way Christ likes me best, with all my messes and my problems that seem to have no solution and my faults and failures. because out of this chaos, He creates beauty.
I'm scared.
there, I said it. it's out there and I can't take it back. and it's completely true. I am scared. most of my fear is caused by people. don't take that the wrong way, I truly love people. I love my family and friends, I love meeting new people, I love being around big groups of people. but they make me nervous sometimes. I think it is because I am constantly worrying about what they think. it's terrible, I know. I shouldn't care. and it isn't really that I care, it's more that I just wonder. the semester just started and so that has brought a lot of brand new people into my life, mixed in with the old ones, and I'm alone for really the first time in my life because my family moved to a different state over the break, and sometimes in my head I'm still that awkward high school girl who isn't, you know, really a superstar or anything special like that. I'm still awkward, of course, but I used to just think I was kind of boring, a bit of a plain jane, that there was nothing really special about me. since then I've realized that there's something special about everyone, everyone's different and important because they bring something special to the table. I think it was because I was always into a whole lot of different things, and I was never exceptional at any of them that I felt this way. but I think that is my "thing". (you know, everyone's got their "thing", right?) I am quite multi-faceted. I mean everyone's multi-faceted, but really. I love to run and eat and write, and the only thing I'm really, really good at out of the three is eating; I act like a 5 year old most of the time, but I love talking about life problems and giving advice as best I can; I wear running shorts and massive t-shirts almost all the time, but I seriously love fashion; I am a scholar, I am an artist, I am a woman; I love, love, love people, but I'm more shy than I wish I was. I used to think all this meant that I didn't really have a "thing" and that I needed to find one. which, I guess, is why I started running track in junior year, and why I got obsessed with my grades for a little bit because I thought they weren't good enough, and why I started painting canvases, and sort of (probably subconsciously) why I started this blog. but all of those pursuits only made me realize that I love them all. so here I am: a college kid, a sorority woman, who is a little wiser, a little sillier, and certainly a lot more comfortable with herself.
all of that, really, was to point out the lack of logic in my next dissertation. why, then, am I so easily unnerved by people? I try to justify it by blaming it on the fact that out of all the things in this world, I hold people dearest. but that is an excuse. I am so easily unnerved by people (sometimes) because I worry too much about what they think about me. it's true. and while I would never change something about myself because of someone's opinion, I often find myself believing that my chief end is to be liked. I don't like being singled out. I don't like not having anyone to talk to. sometimes, I even think that I would rather people not think I am something special. really, though, it is more like I want people to think I am something special, but if they ever say something about it, I don't know what to say. I'm perfectly fine with you complimenting my dress, or my bracelet, or my hair; I'm great at accepting those compliments. but I never know what to say when people give me a serious compliment, it's like all of a sudden I feel this really deep desire to give them some great, serious compliment too, so I start focusing on that and then I sort of just freeze until I think of something to say. that makes it sound worse than it is, but you get the picture.
okay, back to being nervous. sometimes I just feel like I am surrounded by all these great people and I really have nothing of any value to share. sometimes I feel like everyone else knows each other, and I'm the new kid (sometimes that's true). sometimes I worry that I'm going to say something wrong and people will realize I'm not who I appear to be, that I don't have it all together, that I'm not artsy or brilliant or smooth. sometimes I forget that it would maybe be one of the greatest things ever if we all realized that no one has it all together. so I find myself getting that little anxious feeling, you know where your heart is beating maybe a tiny bit fast (not a lot) and your stomach is unsettled a bit and you just know that if you were to be forced to stand on your tip-toes, your calf muscles would quiver a bit. that's me all too often the last few days. and, well, I'm sick of it. there is no need for it. but it's not exactly like I can wag my finger at my nerves and say, "hey, you, stop freaking out please." or believe me, I would. I know all the tiny little anxiety issues I've had throughout my life have been little lessons, teaching me to rely more on Christ. but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I know, I know, He wants me to depend on Him for acceptance and being liked and seen as something special and all that jazz. so, I guess I'll take these little lessons one at a time, and try to learn from them, so I can stop being such a mess sometimes. but I feel like this is the way Christ likes me best, with all my messes and my problems that seem to have no solution and my faults and failures. because out of this chaos, He creates beauty.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
creative bit: sick
Sick of doing things I despise, just to get by.
Sick of being pushed into a corner.
Sick of never getting what I want.
Sick of watching the world fly by while I remain stationary.
Sick of not participating because I am too busy surviving.
Sick of repeating my own poor-girl manifesto as I wait for life to start.
I force my body to rise from my concrete floor-chair, joints popping, and cross to the dirty window in my apartment. Wiping a hand across it, I make a clear line through the grime and peer outside. I see the dirt under my own fingernails, but choose to look past them and see instead the endless expanse of bright blue sky, the warm rays of the June sun, a cloud shaped like an elephant, a free-spirited sparrow soaring, the vibrant life in the Manhattan street below. These things present themselves to me in slow-motion, like hearing, seeing, and tasting present themselves to a newborn. Something swells up inside of me, I feel the waves of it lapping against my rib cage, dying to be set free. Action? Intention? The feeling of being fully alive? I become dizzy with it, whatever it is. I am sweetly intoxicated. The light intensifies, colors come to life. I am cognizant of another reality, existing secretly just beneath the surface of what I thought was truth. I store all these things in my memory, to have something to pull out in the dark days to come.
Life will never be the same.
Sick of being pushed into a corner.
Sick of never getting what I want.
Sick of watching the world fly by while I remain stationary.
Sick of not participating because I am too busy surviving.
Sick of repeating my own poor-girl manifesto as I wait for life to start.
I force my body to rise from my concrete floor-chair, joints popping, and cross to the dirty window in my apartment. Wiping a hand across it, I make a clear line through the grime and peer outside. I see the dirt under my own fingernails, but choose to look past them and see instead the endless expanse of bright blue sky, the warm rays of the June sun, a cloud shaped like an elephant, a free-spirited sparrow soaring, the vibrant life in the Manhattan street below. These things present themselves to me in slow-motion, like hearing, seeing, and tasting present themselves to a newborn. Something swells up inside of me, I feel the waves of it lapping against my rib cage, dying to be set free. Action? Intention? The feeling of being fully alive? I become dizzy with it, whatever it is. I am sweetly intoxicated. The light intensifies, colors come to life. I am cognizant of another reality, existing secretly just beneath the surface of what I thought was truth. I store all these things in my memory, to have something to pull out in the dark days to come.
Life will never be the same.
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