this will probably be one of the most haphazardly organized posts ever. but I don't care. that's right, reader, I don't care if you find this difficult, obnoxious, or pointless. because it is not for you. it is for me, as all my writings are. and this is how my brain works all the time. so I guess this is your official welcome to true sarah territory. the territory that I try to hide most of the time. the territory that has the power to inspire me, eat away at me, scare everyone else away, and give me the ability to read everyone I know really, really well. it is a skill I must say I am rather fond of. but it comes at a price.
when I said this post was going to be "one of the most haphazardly organized posts ever" what I really meant was that it was not going to be organized at all.
I wrote once before that I have the tendency to sometimes fall in love with certain words. tonight they are on my mind, so here is a list of all the words I can think of that I l-o-v-e:
life. love. grace. peace. vibrant. happenstance. write. adventure. redeemed. run. sunshine. world. beauty. soul. rain. laughter. human. community. aesthetic. art. compassion. bright. daddy. think. essentially. prismatic. frail. color. vintage. serendipity. aunthenticity.
in no particular order. I suppose some of them make sense, as I obviously like the idea and the word is simply the physical manifestation of the idea. but some are just words that I like the sound of. some are both.
we were driving home from dinner with some new friends earlier and I was watching the world go by through my window and I was thinking how beautiful it all was. the entire city of austin is downright gorgeous: all the huge rolling hills, every tree, the sea of twinkling lights that lets off this subdued sort of glow from the city, the many swirling colors that make up that huge expanse of texas sky - seriously, every single day has been made up of different colors. and it isn't just the scenery that is beautiful; my whole life is beautiful. it is full of chaos and confusion, a lot of joy and some sorrow, change, beautiful people, laughter, love. and then it hits me. this thing that I have been watching draw ever closer to me, this thing that has been staring me in the eye for quite some time now, smacks me right in the face. not once have I given thanks for it all. I have thought about it and talked about it and written about it and yet, I haven't thanked the loving, gracious God who has given it all to me. I am undeserving of it all.
do you have songs that, when you hear them, just make you feel like you? I do; there are certain songs or artists that I listen to that remind me who I am when I listen to them. it's sort of a hard concept to describe if you've never felt that way, so I'm not going to try really. I don't know what it is about them - maybe the style, maybe the lyrics, maybe the way they make me feel when I listen to them. that's how I write - I listen to songs that make me feel like me and usually drink a cup of coffee or hot chocolate out of my favorite mug (which I am greatly missing tonight. perhaps that's why I'm lacking cohesion. probably not.) I don't know why, but I also always write late at night. I can't write during the day. which is why I could never make a career out of writing, along with my fear that I will one day run out of things to write. I think I write at night because it is the only time I think about things that are actually relevant. most of the time during the day I think about stupid things like what I'm going to eat or who I want to talk to or which boy I should like. late at night I am able to take my blinders off and see the big picture of the world, the deeper streams of life. as much as writing makes my life make more sense, it is taking a toll on my sleep schedule. I suppose that is the price this silly writer must pay.
feeling crazy yet? worrying about my mental health? don't, this was only a small sampling. in any case, I am done for the evening. er, early morning? anyways, I shall leave you, dear reader, with some lines from two songs that make me feel like me.
"Could I have been anyone other than me? Then I look up at the sky; my mouth is open wide, lick and taste. What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying? Turn, turn, we almost become dizzy." - Dave Matthews, Dancing Nancies
"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know. My weakness I feel I must finally show... In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die; and where you invest your love, you invest your life... Awake my soul." - Mumford & Sons, Awake My Soul
No comments:
Post a Comment