I used to think that writing was safe. I used to think writing was safe because I've always done it. I mean that literally. when I was in the fourth grade, I created a newspaper for my family. I was the sole researcher, reporter, designer, and editor. it was my baby. I wrote nonsense stories about what my older brother did with his summer and gave a detailed anaylsis of my little sister's sleepovers and shamelessly advertised myself for a friendly game of basketball in the driveway. I've always liked to write.
but now that I'm older, now that I realize how much power each fragile thought I have holds, I no longer think of writing as a safe thing. it is scary and wonderful. scary because it makes me face the darkest corners of myself and display them for everyone who takes the five minutes to read my blog. wonderful because it makes my life make more sense. for me, there is freedom in writing, because it releases me from all my pent up thoughts, from the me that I try so desperately to hide. there is something about the danger of exposing myself to people that attracts me to writing. I realize that may sound masochistic, but that isn't it at all. I was thinking earlier about how much I love driving on interstate flyovers. my mom hates them; she doesn't much care for heights. but I love them. when I drive on them, I feel like I'm not just driving an ordinary car over an ordinary road, but instead I'm driving a rather extraordinary car right into the sky; I'm flying. I also love heights. fear of heights is, I'm sure, one of the most common fears of the general public. but I downright love them. I love being high up and looking down at all the tiny things and then looking up and seeing miles and miles of space. it makes me feel small and insignificant, and yet an important part of something huge and beautiful. there's something about the little bit of danger that you feel when you aren't standing on solid ground, ground you can't by any chance fall from. it feels reckless and unsafe, and like the most natural thing in the world - like that's how we should be living. and it is. because the only way to rely on God is to realize how very, very close you are to the edge of the precipice, how very, very easily you could fall right down into the abyss. because when you realize this, you realize that you have absolutely no control over what happens to you and the other people around you. and when you have no control, what can you do but turn to the One who does? all this talk might make it sound like I've got the right idea, like I'm living just the way I should, with just the right amount of danger and recklessness. I'm not. I wish I could say that I liked danger and recklessness, but it isn't true. I like being safe. I like knowing what is going to happen. I like being in control. this sounds completely contradictory to what I said earlier, but that is where the complexity of my brain comes in. I love being dangerous when I write and when I drive on flyovers, but I don't like being dangerous in my life. I am, in fact, incredibly bad at being dangerous. I wish it wasn't so, but it is. I was talking to my best friend on the phone earlier after going entirely too long (something like four or five days) without talking to her and we talked about all sorts of things, among them being control. she uttered one word. one word that changes everything. that reminds me my life is hardly mine. that forces me to live a dangerous life.
surrender.
me and surrender don't get along very well. I think surrender is a beautiful thing. I'm quite in love with the idea of it. but I just can't seem to make myself commit. I tell myself after a long day in which I've fought with myself, wrestled with ideas, come to the conclusion that I am a despicable human being who can't think a right thought, that I am ready to surrender. that I will henceforth no longer put up a fight. but it never works. it lasts maybe an hour in sarah brain and then gets thrown out the window, along with every other trick and method I've tried to quiet my mind down. but it's the only thing that will work. it takes time, it takes a conscious choice and effort every day to put down my weapons and my need to control things and let go. surrender. it may never get easier; it may be just as hard each day to surrender as it was the day before. but even if that's the case, it will be well worth it. I will get to live each day more freely, more purposefully, more dangerously. and it will be beautiful. so, today's to do list? surrender.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
scatterbrained
this will probably be one of the most haphazardly organized posts ever. but I don't care. that's right, reader, I don't care if you find this difficult, obnoxious, or pointless. because it is not for you. it is for me, as all my writings are. and this is how my brain works all the time. so I guess this is your official welcome to true sarah territory. the territory that I try to hide most of the time. the territory that has the power to inspire me, eat away at me, scare everyone else away, and give me the ability to read everyone I know really, really well. it is a skill I must say I am rather fond of. but it comes at a price.
when I said this post was going to be "one of the most haphazardly organized posts ever" what I really meant was that it was not going to be organized at all.
I wrote once before that I have the tendency to sometimes fall in love with certain words. tonight they are on my mind, so here is a list of all the words I can think of that I l-o-v-e:
life. love. grace. peace. vibrant. happenstance. write. adventure. redeemed. run. sunshine. world. beauty. soul. rain. laughter. human. community. aesthetic. art. compassion. bright. daddy. think. essentially. prismatic. frail. color. vintage. serendipity. aunthenticity.
in no particular order. I suppose some of them make sense, as I obviously like the idea and the word is simply the physical manifestation of the idea. but some are just words that I like the sound of. some are both.
we were driving home from dinner with some new friends earlier and I was watching the world go by through my window and I was thinking how beautiful it all was. the entire city of austin is downright gorgeous: all the huge rolling hills, every tree, the sea of twinkling lights that lets off this subdued sort of glow from the city, the many swirling colors that make up that huge expanse of texas sky - seriously, every single day has been made up of different colors. and it isn't just the scenery that is beautiful; my whole life is beautiful. it is full of chaos and confusion, a lot of joy and some sorrow, change, beautiful people, laughter, love. and then it hits me. this thing that I have been watching draw ever closer to me, this thing that has been staring me in the eye for quite some time now, smacks me right in the face. not once have I given thanks for it all. I have thought about it and talked about it and written about it and yet, I haven't thanked the loving, gracious God who has given it all to me. I am undeserving of it all.
do you have songs that, when you hear them, just make you feel like you? I do; there are certain songs or artists that I listen to that remind me who I am when I listen to them. it's sort of a hard concept to describe if you've never felt that way, so I'm not going to try really. I don't know what it is about them - maybe the style, maybe the lyrics, maybe the way they make me feel when I listen to them. that's how I write - I listen to songs that make me feel like me and usually drink a cup of coffee or hot chocolate out of my favorite mug (which I am greatly missing tonight. perhaps that's why I'm lacking cohesion. probably not.) I don't know why, but I also always write late at night. I can't write during the day. which is why I could never make a career out of writing, along with my fear that I will one day run out of things to write. I think I write at night because it is the only time I think about things that are actually relevant. most of the time during the day I think about stupid things like what I'm going to eat or who I want to talk to or which boy I should like. late at night I am able to take my blinders off and see the big picture of the world, the deeper streams of life. as much as writing makes my life make more sense, it is taking a toll on my sleep schedule. I suppose that is the price this silly writer must pay.
feeling crazy yet? worrying about my mental health? don't, this was only a small sampling. in any case, I am done for the evening. er, early morning? anyways, I shall leave you, dear reader, with some lines from two songs that make me feel like me.
"Could I have been anyone other than me? Then I look up at the sky; my mouth is open wide, lick and taste. What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying? Turn, turn, we almost become dizzy." - Dave Matthews, Dancing Nancies
"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know. My weakness I feel I must finally show... In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die; and where you invest your love, you invest your life... Awake my soul." - Mumford & Sons, Awake My Soul
when I said this post was going to be "one of the most haphazardly organized posts ever" what I really meant was that it was not going to be organized at all.
I wrote once before that I have the tendency to sometimes fall in love with certain words. tonight they are on my mind, so here is a list of all the words I can think of that I l-o-v-e:
life. love. grace. peace. vibrant. happenstance. write. adventure. redeemed. run. sunshine. world. beauty. soul. rain. laughter. human. community. aesthetic. art. compassion. bright. daddy. think. essentially. prismatic. frail. color. vintage. serendipity. aunthenticity.
in no particular order. I suppose some of them make sense, as I obviously like the idea and the word is simply the physical manifestation of the idea. but some are just words that I like the sound of. some are both.
we were driving home from dinner with some new friends earlier and I was watching the world go by through my window and I was thinking how beautiful it all was. the entire city of austin is downright gorgeous: all the huge rolling hills, every tree, the sea of twinkling lights that lets off this subdued sort of glow from the city, the many swirling colors that make up that huge expanse of texas sky - seriously, every single day has been made up of different colors. and it isn't just the scenery that is beautiful; my whole life is beautiful. it is full of chaos and confusion, a lot of joy and some sorrow, change, beautiful people, laughter, love. and then it hits me. this thing that I have been watching draw ever closer to me, this thing that has been staring me in the eye for quite some time now, smacks me right in the face. not once have I given thanks for it all. I have thought about it and talked about it and written about it and yet, I haven't thanked the loving, gracious God who has given it all to me. I am undeserving of it all.
do you have songs that, when you hear them, just make you feel like you? I do; there are certain songs or artists that I listen to that remind me who I am when I listen to them. it's sort of a hard concept to describe if you've never felt that way, so I'm not going to try really. I don't know what it is about them - maybe the style, maybe the lyrics, maybe the way they make me feel when I listen to them. that's how I write - I listen to songs that make me feel like me and usually drink a cup of coffee or hot chocolate out of my favorite mug (which I am greatly missing tonight. perhaps that's why I'm lacking cohesion. probably not.) I don't know why, but I also always write late at night. I can't write during the day. which is why I could never make a career out of writing, along with my fear that I will one day run out of things to write. I think I write at night because it is the only time I think about things that are actually relevant. most of the time during the day I think about stupid things like what I'm going to eat or who I want to talk to or which boy I should like. late at night I am able to take my blinders off and see the big picture of the world, the deeper streams of life. as much as writing makes my life make more sense, it is taking a toll on my sleep schedule. I suppose that is the price this silly writer must pay.
feeling crazy yet? worrying about my mental health? don't, this was only a small sampling. in any case, I am done for the evening. er, early morning? anyways, I shall leave you, dear reader, with some lines from two songs that make me feel like me.
"Could I have been anyone other than me? Then I look up at the sky; my mouth is open wide, lick and taste. What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying? Turn, turn, we almost become dizzy." - Dave Matthews, Dancing Nancies
"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know. My weakness I feel I must finally show... In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die; and where you invest your love, you invest your life... Awake my soul." - Mumford & Sons, Awake My Soul
Friday, December 24, 2010
for grandma
there are a few things in life that we know will always be there. there will always be love, youth, faith. there will always be pain, suffering, death. nothing in this world is ever perfect. it may be beautiful, but is not perfect. my grandmother on my dad's side of the family passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning. no one saw it coming, no one really got to say goodbye. I know she is finally complete, finally without pain, finally enjoying the presence of God. that doesn't mean I am capable of imagining holiday dinners without her, or seeing my grandpa living alone in their house. I wish I had known her better. while I only saw her once or twice a year, I learned a lot from her. she was one of the strongest, most loving women I've ever met.
in 2004, grandma lectia was diagnosed with breast cancer. she fought her battle valiantly, never complained, never saw the darkness in the cancer. it hadn't been long before that that she gave her life to Christ. I remember writing her a letter about Jesus one time. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember writing it. her faith in Him was inspiring. despite the hardships she faced with her cancer and the frustrations of the family, she never wavered. after many chemo treatments and other pains, she finally went into remission and her breast cancer was cured.
all throughout her life, grandma always took care of everyone. she made everyone's beds in the mornings and turned them down before bedtime every night. she made breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day and cleaned the kitchen by herself. every time we went to visit, we would get in somewhere around 3 a.m. and she would always get out of bed (if she hadn't waited up) to greet us and promptly shove leftovers in our faces. we would always get these huge plates of food and she would sit with us and talk while we ate. "Sarah," (or surruh, as she pronounced it) she would always say, "you need to get a little bit more meat on them bones!" and then she would put a piece of cake or whatever had been for dessert on my plate. she was the one who brought the family together. she disspelled the tension that would inevitably come when all five siblings and the unnumerable grandchildren were present. she put up with grandpa and his crankiness. she held everything and everyone together. she went to church by herself almost every sunday, but she always went. and she loved everyone despite their many, many faults.
you will be missed. but I know you are where you've always longed to be, where your heart is most satisfied. I love you, grandma.
in 2004, grandma lectia was diagnosed with breast cancer. she fought her battle valiantly, never complained, never saw the darkness in the cancer. it hadn't been long before that that she gave her life to Christ. I remember writing her a letter about Jesus one time. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember writing it. her faith in Him was inspiring. despite the hardships she faced with her cancer and the frustrations of the family, she never wavered. after many chemo treatments and other pains, she finally went into remission and her breast cancer was cured.
all throughout her life, grandma always took care of everyone. she made everyone's beds in the mornings and turned them down before bedtime every night. she made breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day and cleaned the kitchen by herself. every time we went to visit, we would get in somewhere around 3 a.m. and she would always get out of bed (if she hadn't waited up) to greet us and promptly shove leftovers in our faces. we would always get these huge plates of food and she would sit with us and talk while we ate. "Sarah," (or surruh, as she pronounced it) she would always say, "you need to get a little bit more meat on them bones!" and then she would put a piece of cake or whatever had been for dessert on my plate. she was the one who brought the family together. she disspelled the tension that would inevitably come when all five siblings and the unnumerable grandchildren were present. she put up with grandpa and his crankiness. she held everything and everyone together. she went to church by herself almost every sunday, but she always went. and she loved everyone despite their many, many faults.
you will be missed. but I know you are where you've always longed to be, where your heart is most satisfied. I love you, grandma.
what's my age again?
"If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Not me!" -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
"Too many people grow up. That's the trouble with the world, too many people grow up." - Walt Disney
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller
"Change of any sort requires courage." - Mary Anne Radmacher
lately I've been thinking a lot about life from a child's perspective. the way they see it, the way they live it. and honestly, I think that they get things much better than we do. they understand so much more about it. or maybe it's the fact that they don't get it at all. they just live. they don't let goals and assumptions and prejudices get in the way. they love, they laugh, they imagine. they live in a magical world where cars are really spaceships, mom and dad are superheroes, love simply means the biggest hug you can muster, and all of life is an adventure. perhaps this is a glorified version of childhood, but nonetheless, it is a beautiful thing. sure, we all have to marry and have children of our own and a career and get old. but that doesn't mean we have to grow up. I, for one, would love to spend the rest of my life enjoying each day as it comes, seeing the hero in everyone I know, fostering my imagination, giving really, really big hugs. I like to dance in my living room and talk to the dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets I throw in the oven when I'm hungry; I like to show my excitement and talk animatedly with everyone I come in contact with; I like to see life as one big story where I get to be the heroine and Jesus is my hero. I wish I could say I felt this way all the time, but who can ever say that? sometimes I feel like scowling at my family and walking through each day in my mundane routine, just because it is safe and I know what to expect. but those days are no fun. and it's time to spice things up a bit. "Change of any sort requires courage" (Mary Anne Rudmacher). God grant me the courage to live every day like a kid would.
"Too many people grow up. That's the trouble with the world, too many people grow up." - Walt Disney
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller
"Change of any sort requires courage." - Mary Anne Radmacher
lately I've been thinking a lot about life from a child's perspective. the way they see it, the way they live it. and honestly, I think that they get things much better than we do. they understand so much more about it. or maybe it's the fact that they don't get it at all. they just live. they don't let goals and assumptions and prejudices get in the way. they love, they laugh, they imagine. they live in a magical world where cars are really spaceships, mom and dad are superheroes, love simply means the biggest hug you can muster, and all of life is an adventure. perhaps this is a glorified version of childhood, but nonetheless, it is a beautiful thing. sure, we all have to marry and have children of our own and a career and get old. but that doesn't mean we have to grow up. I, for one, would love to spend the rest of my life enjoying each day as it comes, seeing the hero in everyone I know, fostering my imagination, giving really, really big hugs. I like to dance in my living room and talk to the dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets I throw in the oven when I'm hungry; I like to show my excitement and talk animatedly with everyone I come in contact with; I like to see life as one big story where I get to be the heroine and Jesus is my hero. I wish I could say I felt this way all the time, but who can ever say that? sometimes I feel like scowling at my family and walking through each day in my mundane routine, just because it is safe and I know what to expect. but those days are no fun. and it's time to spice things up a bit. "Change of any sort requires courage" (Mary Anne Rudmacher). God grant me the courage to live every day like a kid would.
how to be uncool
they say all good things must come to an end. I have yet to decide just how good it was, but my first semester of college has come to it's end. there were good days and bad, lessons learned, mistakes made, new experiences, old feelings, and, of course, entirely too much fast food. and while it may be cliche, I feel like a good way to give myself some closure is to write a post about all the things - some silly, some serious - that I've learned over the course of the last five months. besides, I love cliche. cliche and I understand each other quite well. so, well, without being TOO awkward, here it is...? :
1. take one day at a time. don't plan ahead. things work out so much better than you can even imagine when you don't try to control them yourself.
2. I am not cool. this is probably most of the reason that people like me.
3. life is much too short to not act like a 5 year old for at least a few minutes every day. seriously, go run around your house acting like a spy, laugh altogether too loudly, play a prank, make a silly face at someone, drink chocolate milk. children understand the world so much better than all of us who have lived here for so much longer.
4. don't feel guilty about things you've done. don't justify them, don't say they are no big deal, but don't beat yourself up over them. as a wise woman once told me, "that's life. you'll fall down again, but you'll always get back up. it's not over just because you did something stupid."
5. ENJOY. enjoy enjoy enjoy. life is beautiful. pay attention to the little things going on. breathe deeply when the air is crisp and cool. walk slowly. notice the sun late in the afternoon when it casts that beautiful, warm gold on everything in the world. see the good and the beauty in people, look past their clothes and the way they walk - see their stories, they're often hidden in their eyes.
6. no matter how many times I ignore Him, God is always there. I can't say that He always comes back to me, because He never leaves me. if He were a man He would have given up on me long ago, chalked it up to the fact that I am a flighty, silly, half-hearted girl. instead He's loved me and protected me, given me peace and hope and taught me all sorts of things.
7. back to acting like a child, but the more serious side of things: love deeply and without hindrance. see not the potential for pain and disappointment, but instead the beauty of love and it's origin. look at the world with wide eyes, see the adventures in your everyday life. it's not a walk to class - it's rushing into the heat of battle, it's a race to deliver an important message, or receive one. it's not sleep - it's a journey into that magical land of dreams. it isn't studying for an exam - it's taking a step back from the whole entire world and then looking at one tiny piece with a magnifying glass. look for the good in everything and everyone. it is always there. play, dance, laugh - it takes the mundane out of the day.
8. coffee rocks my world.
9. sisterhood is a beautiful thing. sisters get you through everything. they give you advice and hugs and go with you to get food when you're hungry. they stay up all night studying with you and then laugh with you the next day when you're delusional from your lack of sleep. they listen to all your stupid stories, make you sane again, and tell you you're pretty when you don't feel like it. after this semester, I am incredibly thankful for all the sisters in my life - for my blood sister, for my best friend, and for my alpha delta pi sisters. you are all beautiful.
I'll end at nine, because if I were to make it ten it would be even MORE cliche.
1. take one day at a time. don't plan ahead. things work out so much better than you can even imagine when you don't try to control them yourself.
2. I am not cool. this is probably most of the reason that people like me.
3. life is much too short to not act like a 5 year old for at least a few minutes every day. seriously, go run around your house acting like a spy, laugh altogether too loudly, play a prank, make a silly face at someone, drink chocolate milk. children understand the world so much better than all of us who have lived here for so much longer.
4. don't feel guilty about things you've done. don't justify them, don't say they are no big deal, but don't beat yourself up over them. as a wise woman once told me, "that's life. you'll fall down again, but you'll always get back up. it's not over just because you did something stupid."
5. ENJOY. enjoy enjoy enjoy. life is beautiful. pay attention to the little things going on. breathe deeply when the air is crisp and cool. walk slowly. notice the sun late in the afternoon when it casts that beautiful, warm gold on everything in the world. see the good and the beauty in people, look past their clothes and the way they walk - see their stories, they're often hidden in their eyes.
6. no matter how many times I ignore Him, God is always there. I can't say that He always comes back to me, because He never leaves me. if He were a man He would have given up on me long ago, chalked it up to the fact that I am a flighty, silly, half-hearted girl. instead He's loved me and protected me, given me peace and hope and taught me all sorts of things.
7. back to acting like a child, but the more serious side of things: love deeply and without hindrance. see not the potential for pain and disappointment, but instead the beauty of love and it's origin. look at the world with wide eyes, see the adventures in your everyday life. it's not a walk to class - it's rushing into the heat of battle, it's a race to deliver an important message, or receive one. it's not sleep - it's a journey into that magical land of dreams. it isn't studying for an exam - it's taking a step back from the whole entire world and then looking at one tiny piece with a magnifying glass. look for the good in everything and everyone. it is always there. play, dance, laugh - it takes the mundane out of the day.
8. coffee rocks my world.
9. sisterhood is a beautiful thing. sisters get you through everything. they give you advice and hugs and go with you to get food when you're hungry. they stay up all night studying with you and then laugh with you the next day when you're delusional from your lack of sleep. they listen to all your stupid stories, make you sane again, and tell you you're pretty when you don't feel like it. after this semester, I am incredibly thankful for all the sisters in my life - for my blood sister, for my best friend, and for my alpha delta pi sisters. you are all beautiful.
I'll end at nine, because if I were to make it ten it would be even MORE cliche.
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