oh hey there, mr. blog. I know, I know, it's been awhile. I'm quite sorry I haven't posted in basically forever (at least it feels that way), but, you see, I got a bit embarrassed of you for a time. the world doesn't really need another blogger and I felt a little too narcissistic for writing a blog, as if I felt that the whole world needed to know what I, sarah, was thinking; I am sarah, read my stuff! but as I was thinking earlier about my feelings (which I do altogether too often), I remembered the reason I started writing this blog in the first place: me. I am the reason I started writing it. I wanted a place to empty my raw thoughts into sentences, ideas. just as talking makes me feel better about everything, blogging helps me clear my mind by forcing me to organize it.
now that I'm done with my excuse, I would like to begin by saying that the way I feel now can be simply summed up by my very last post, though it was written just shy of four months ago. four. whole. months. that is crazy business. to explain myself yet again, school just started two months ago, and that has been a whole new beast. and by school I mean my first year of college. I am, in fact, a freshman. a freshman who has only very recently started running again (I was a delinquent runner for much too long), who has not gained the freshman fifteen, who has joined the best darn sorority in the world, who moved into the sorority house and is downright loving it, and, who has lost a bit of herself again. I know what you're thinking. you're thinking, "geez, how often does this happen???" but rest assured, I found myself rather quickly after that last post and have been fine since. until a few days ago when I realized it had happened again. but this time, it is my fault. completely and totally my fault. it turns out, I really like being liked and known. I believe this is a disease that has affected the vast majority of the population (a bit of an epidemic, if you will), but I have taken it too far this time. it seems I have lost myself in trying to make people know me. I have forgotten that there are parts of me that are secrets and parts of me that people should discover on their own. people who have just met me do not need to know right off the bat that I am an english major and therefore love reading and writing and feeling artsy. or that I just LOVE to run and am therefore athletic and fit. or that I will do anything for a laugh and am therefore ridiculously hilarious (I have done a lot of dumb and/or silly things to make people laugh. this by no means makes me funny). it's like I have this view that I think people should have of me - that's right, I made sarah up all by myself this time - and I feel that people just need to know all about me. like they want to or something. which is crazy business. the world does not need to know who I am. who I am is irrelevant because I am living for Someone much greater and cooler and smarter and better than me. who I am only counts if others can see Christ in me. if I am living the life that He has willed for me and being the person that He has willed me to be. I have not been fulfilling these things, and so I must apologize. so here it is: dear world, who cares who sarah is? she is empty if not for Christ. she is only a facade, a colorful wall with no substance behind it. and everyone knows that when you have too many colors on a canvas, you get brown. boring, lame, brown. that's what you get when you let an unskilled artist try to paint a masterpiece. what you need is the only true, great Artist to commission the masterpiece. I have not let this Artist paint the canvas of my life recently and it is obvious. So, world (and Christ), I am sorry that I tried to put the brush in my own hands, trusting this fragile life to an even more fragile soul.
getting back on track is the hardest part. it always has been for me. it's like I start to push forward a bit, but I only get a few feet before my momentum shuts off and I'm pulled right back into the rut. but I suppose recognizing it is the first step and I've got to just keep fighting. don't worry world, 'tis only for a time. the cooler, realer, livin'-it-up sarah shall be back. sooner or later I'm going to have to start living outside of myself again. sooner or later I'll be shoved toward a higher cause by that great, loving, Force-to-be-reckoned-with. and I'll have no choice but to move on, to see outside myself. until then...
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