retrospect

You know that feeling you get when you're at a point in your life that's kind of elevated, where you're sort of kind of able to see in your mind all the recent events in your life and how poorly you handled them? I'm there. And I can go all the way back to my brother's wedding, a year and a half ago. I was so immature, so selfish, so unable to see outside myself.  I appreciated the day my wonderful brother and beautiful sister-in-law got married well enough, I suppose, but I don't think I truly understood how absolutely beautiful a thing weddings and marriages are.  I think I thought it was sort of commonplace. I mean, everyone gets married. I had just graduated high school.  And it's funny; you think you're so wise, so old, and it isn't until years later that you see how young you really were and still are.  How I wish I could go back to that day and cry and laugh with them more, knowing how much it meant and would mean to get to be a part of it all.

Don't worry, I won't discuss EVERY situation I wish I had treated differently, just the important ones.

My family moved to Texas in December of my first year of college.  They wanted me to move with them; I fought and refused and separated myself.  I thought I was making a mature decision, I just wanted to be independent.  How silly I was.  In this case though, I don't wish I had acted any differently, because I learned a lot from myself.  It took a really long time for those lessons to come in, but I couldn't have learned them better any other way.  I still ended up in Texas.  I hurt my family, which is the only real regrettable thing.  But that's the best thing about families like mine: they always forgive, always welcome you back.  I was like the prodigal daughter; finally coming home after a year of living "on my own," partying, and enjoying my irresponsibility.  I'm so blessed by my family; they love me fiercely and remind me who I am daily and never judge me, even when I wear weird clothes because I think it's cool sometimes.  Oh, and they think I'm funny.

I let this relationship I had go on in my head way after it was over.  To this day, I could not explain that relationship to you if you asked me to.  Sometimes I still wish I could have the answers.  But I'm done with that season of my life now.  I just would not let this relationship die, and it infected everything.  I mean, I was looking back through some playlists I had made during that time in my life and it was obvious just how much it impacted me in every way.  [Side note: that is one of the biggest downsides, and also one of the best upsides, to making music a big part of your life. Songs always remind you of people and events and seasons. And they can either add to the beauty of a song, or taint it.]  It took me forever to realize I just had to let go, that I wouldn't get answers (okay, confession. I never asked for them in real life. But who does that?) and that it wouldn't, like, happen again.  I have this crazy, overactive imagination and I daydream nearly constantly.  My parents even got into calling me Space Case.  It's bad.  So you can imagine how often I come up with new ways for my life to play out.  I think my biggest thing was that there was never really anything there or not there.  It's really hard to explain the psychological implications of the situation because I'm not going to sit here and type out everything that happened. The main thing is that it impacted me, and I allowed it to continue impacting me every single day for...awhile.  There are still some days I have to skip a certain song by The Kooks when it comes on, if only because it reminds me how ridiculous I was.

And here's the thing about these times in life when you're able to see things for what they really were and evaluate yourself for who you really were (and are) and you think of all the things you wish you had done and thought and said differently: it happens, and then you turn your back on it and keep walking forward.  It doesn't help a thing to sit and wish you had done things differently.  I think God gives us these times of retrospection to see and understand our lives and ourselves and then apply what we've learned to the next few steps.  These aren't times to hate on ourselves, they are times to learn from ourselves.  So next time, we really participate in and allow life and love to affect us, we shut our mouths and listen to those who have our best interests in mind, we let go of things that have run their course.  And we move forward.