So I have this problem. I can't let go. Of anything. I mean it takes over my life. I can't let go of relationships, I can't let go of people, even when it's high time to move on, I can't even leave a text and not respond to it. I feel like it's like my duty or something to reply to everything, to do whatever I can to fix a relationship, to make things go back to the way they were. Don't get me wrong though, I love change. I hate letting go. I feel like there is always something that I can do to magically fix everything; and when it doesn't work out, I feel like I didn't do enough, that I missed something. It's this thing I have with control. I have to have it. I go crazy if I feel like I'm not in control.
And God's been trying to show me for the entire last year of my life that I am not in control, that my life is not my own. He's used everything from my family and friends to my school and social life to show me that He is the only One who stays the same, the only One I can depend on for everything. I have this obsession with people; I love them. Too much. I tend to put all my stock in my relationships, I attempt to find myself in them. I mean that I know who I am, but I find all my happiness in my relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships, although those are a part of it too. And when one doesn't work out, I run to the next place, the next person, and do it all over again. I'm always running because it never works out. Something happens, people change, some things just get awkward. You can't hold onto people forever; sometimes, you have to let them go. And I'm incapable of doing that. So God takes them away from me. Not in a horribly painful way or any of that, just a slow slipping away. If He were to allow me to find what I'm looking for in one of my relationships, or anything on this earth really, I would be gone. I am far too easily pleased with passing things. With each relationship that fades away, God has been trying to block all my paths except the one that leads to Him. And I still cannot let go. I still find myself running to the next person I can hold onto.
So where does that leave me? I know what is going on; I see the evidence of it in my life. I see what God is trying to do, how He is working. The only thing left for me to do is to give up. To surrender. To run to Him and find my identity and happiness in Him. But I don't know how. It sounds like the simplest thing; no, it is the simplest thing. What could be better than just letting go, giving all your problems to Someone else, and getting infinite Joy and peace in return? There is no downside. But I've built up all these walls, made myself believe that the only way I can find happiness is through people that are only in my life for a season. And I can't do any of it, I've been asking God to just take it from me. I know He is taking it from me bit by bit, but I have to let Him. And I haven't been doing a very good job of that. It's that control thing I mentioned earlier. And fear. I'm scared that if I let go, I won't have anything to hold on to, that the ground will disappear beneath my feet. In my heart I know that if I let go, I will fall. But it will be falling into the never-ending space of Christ's Love. What could be more beautiful? In the free fall, I will be able to fully find myself in Him.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
